Lavender Fields
by McShepherd
Summary: AU. Welcome to Las Flores, a tiny town within the state of California. Meredith Grey, student, meets Derek Shepherd, neurosurgeon looking for a break from his life in the Big Apple. A sweet story about innocence and, ultimately, love. Mature.
1. Welcome to Las Flores

**Well hello there, my pretties! Welcome to my first fic! **

**I am ridiculously excited to be posting this and both giddy and terrified that someone other than myself will be reading this little mumbo jumbo of words that I like to call a story heehee. This story is based on real events and it is intended for mature audiences due to explicit sexual content. It's all in the name of love and this fic is very dear to my heart, so I would never write anything that wouldn't do justice to the actual events. Hopefully this is tastefully written and it makes up for a wonderful read for you guys.**

**I am anxiously awaiting for your reviews...leave some kind words, constructive criticism or some snippets of love...I'll gladly take them all under my wing heehee! You can visit this story over at the Grey's McBoard, too!**

**Hopefully you'll enjoy this and welcome to Las Flores! :)**

Meredith Grey loved living on the countryside. She always figured there's got to be something oddly calming about waking up at 8am, sun blazing calmly through her Victorian bedroom windows while the birds chirp away, the sound of the Dawson boys, her next door neighbors, running up to the big tank always filled to the brink with chilly water. The tiny, welcoming town of Las Flores, California holds no more than 500 inhabitants, all of which know each other's pet peeves, routines and even some sordid details regarding each other's personal lives. All combined makes up for a small, tight knit community, where hardly anyone is under 60 years old. Oddly enough, Meredith felt more at home here than on the bright lights of New York City, where her mom, the great Ellis Grey, runs one of the most elitist, exclusive and prestigious private practices America has to its name. To Meredith, all of the empire she's building is nothing but frivolous. Fleeting. She has always cursed the fact her mother neglected the little town that saw her only child being born into this world, at that tiny hospital just across the street from her house. Of course, such small accomodations were not filled to the brink with high tech instruments or home to complicated procedures, nor were they able to bring in those great names who change the face of Medicine day in, day out. Of course this small town never witnessed any noteworthy events, nor is it on the newspapers every day but it was home. A home her mother chose to conveniently forget about. Meredith, however, has always cherished just how peaceful life is in Las Flores. That's why, every single Summer, Meredith leaves her mother's enterpreneurial spirit and her hunger for success back in New York and escapes to the Grey estate, a gated property located on the hills of the tiny town.

The big, palacesque house, surrounded by miles worth of green playgrounds and some of the most exquisite blossoming plants known to men would be a maze to anyone but Meredith. She grew up running around the bright green grass, hiding from her nanny's behind those big palm trees, pretending to have a picnic on the big stony table, scrapping her knees on the rocky driveway and overlooking the empty house located next to hers. When she was six years old, she had heard horror stories from her friends, saying the house was haunted by the ghost of its last inhabitant, Mr. Palmer. Her mom, however, was quick to dismiss such ludicrous stories, saying Mr. Palmer had simply moved away and put the house up for sale many years ago, but no one had wanted to buy it. The generous sized house, which Meredith always considered similar to a Spanish villa, was vacant for about 10 years until Meredith returned home that Summer. She had called her driver, Manuel, lovingly referred to as Manny, pick her up at the airport. Manny was one of the Grey servants, which consisted of Ana, the chef; Marybeth, the housekeeper; and of course Manny, the driver. All of them were dear to Meredith's heart, and she couldn't wait to get to the house and catch up with them. Although her mother often looked down on it, Meredith never shied away from building a friendship with the servants, who she refused to address in such a demeaning way.

She was walking towards the airport's parking lot with her bags in tow when she spotted Manny leaning casually on the open car door, a wide grin on his face and his arms stretched out. Without hesitating, Meredith launched herself into the familiar arms of the man she had known all of her life, who had driven her to the market, to the park, to the pool and to wherever else she asked him to. He was the good one.

"Manny!", Meredith shouted, a grin never leaving her features.

"Oh honey, we've missed you so much around here! The West Coast isn't the same without you," Manny breathed, his voice shaking slightly.

"All year I count the days until I can come back here. I feel like this is the only place on Earth where I feel truly happy," she said.

"I know," Manny nodded while putting her bags in the trunk of the car. "We wish you could come out here more often but I know how the Dragon is. Fiercely protective of you even though she's never home to actually see you."

"That's ancient history, Manny," Meredith said, while getting on the passenger seat of the car. "She does the best she can. I know, deep down, she's only looking out for my best interests."

"You know you're supposed to ride in the back, right?" Manny scolded playfully. "I'm supposed to be your chauffeur, and you're not allowing me to do my job, Miss Grey."

"Just drive, silly man," Meredith laughed. "You know I don't need fancy things. Tell me more. How are things around home? Is everything the same as last year? Is Ms. Rutherford married already?"

"Oh honey, things are practically the same. You can't expect much excitement when you live in a town the size of a pea," Manny laughed. "But yes, Ms. Rutherford married that rich architect from Los Angeles, so she no longer lives down the street. Shame, she was a real nice one. But there's something even more interesting, now that I think about it."

"What's that?", Meredith asked, a brow raised high.

"There's someone new on the block. Some fancy neurosurgeon. Now, I don't know if the man's well known or on his way up, but Ana says he's got the looks going for him," Manny laughed. "You know I don't give two water buckets about his looks, though."

"Yeah, I know, Manny. You're a ladies man," Meredith laughed. "But what's his name? Do you know anything else?"

"Ana says he's Dr. Shepherd, I don't know his first name, though," Manny said. "But if you ask me, I think Ana has the hots for him, so she might know. She even baked him some blueberry and cheese pie, and you know she only bakes that when she wants something."

"Oh that I know," Meredith breathed. "That house was empty for so many years, why would anyone want to buy it now?"

"Beats me, kid, but word on the block is that he's coming to work for our little clinic. Said he needed some time off from the big city and start fresh. Ana said he's not the friendliest of them all, he's not all that nice to people. She's never seen him crack a smile or anything of the sort. My guess is he's a little loner," Manny joked.

"Don't say that about the poor man," Meredith laughed, just as she caught sight of the big sign that read Las Flores. "Oh, how I missed this town."

"You know, honey, maybe one day you'll come back for good and we'll save some gas on the trips to the airport," Manny laughed.

"Oh aren't you a funny one," Meredith giggled as Manny ran the car up their street and passed by some good looking man's driveway. "Oh, is that the doctor?"

"Why yes it is, kid," Manny looked over her head. "Now you can make your own assessments."

The man was impressive, to say the least. Meredith's breath was knocked out of her for a few seconds as she stared at the man, his tanned, muscled torso was hugged by a form fitting white tank top paired with dark washed out jeans that tightened on his round ass, his hair was a mess of raven locks which had clearly been toussled by him and he was washing his Porsche Cayenne on the driveway of his house. When he heard their car drive by, he whipped his head around and his eyes caught Meredith's for a little longer than a few seconds, his lips stuck together in a tight, harsh line. Meredith couldn't help but be attracted to that brooding man, a keeper of many dark secrets she'd love to find. Maybe in another lifetime. She just hoped to God her driver wasn't being far too observant right now, because she was pretty sure she'd need some cooling off by the time she got home.


	2. The New Man In Town

**Hey guys! It's been...10 minutes since my last update. Heeeheee. **

**I've decided to post some of my banked updates just so you guys get the feel of what this story is about. Hopefully it won't make you run for the hills and you come in and stay awhile... ;)**

**Never forget to leave some love! Thank you!**

Derek Shepherd was a man of few words. He was always sure of himself, sure of his abilities, even though his confidence and overall appeal was shaken after his father's death. He was just a little boy, but was scarred for life nonetheless. He couldn't help but feel like he carried the weight of his family on his shoulders, mainly because his father had been his only companion against the absurdly large number of females running around the house. His mother, Carolyn, had always wanted to see his little boy go back to being the happy, carefree man he was before his father's death, but always knew, in the back of her mind, that it was close to impossible. He was still infinitely thankful for everything his mother had done for him throughout the years and she was, quite possibly, the person that kept him breathing after his father's death. Her and Mark Sloan, his pal since the beginning of time, from the football days to Mark picking up random girls from college dorms while he stood in the car with a book. He was never the adventure or the one night stand kind. His four sisters were annoying more often than not, but he knew it was all in name of the best for him. Nancy was the oldest, which is probably why she is the most nagging one of all. She tends to be far too bitchy for her own good, but I know she keeps my best interests in mind. Kathleen was the psychologist of the family, every little step Derek took prior to coming to Las Flores was analyzed by the woman, but no good conclusion came out of it. After himself there was Emily, the sweet one of the family. Probably the most motherly one out of all four and the one he got along with the best. The youngest, Amelia or Amy as he liked to call her, was the fearless one. She was loud and free and careless, so Derek was always fiercely protective of her.

His family never struggled for money, so the choice to become a neurosurgeon was more out of love and fascination for what his father did rather than a fierce need for money and income. After he finished his residency at Mount Sinai, something felt off. He had had his fair share of relationships, or perhaps the correct terminology was mutual pleasure because there sure as hell were no feelings involved, some naturally more serious than others, but nothing to get too excited about or to get his mother involved. The last one lasted for 2 and a half years. She was toying with the idea of an engagement, throwing little hints here and there, going as far as putting an overly priced Tiffany's engagement ring as her laptop's desktop background. All this was in vain, though, because Derek never felt capable of anything other than sex, let alone bask in the glow of holy matrimony. He didn't even understand why those girls stuck around, he never got them any Valentine's Day presents, he never hugged them or gave them a full on kiss which meant more than a start of sex. When thought about, it is quite a selfish thing to do but Derek never seemed to care. It worked for him. His primal needs were sated in a way that went beyond a one night stand, and no other messy situations arose. Perfect. However, when he went to break up with Addison after realizing he had led her on far too long, things shifted. She took it badly, as was to be expected, but didn't put up too much of a fight or brought on the apocalypse. Derek, however, felt like he was sinking; not because he loved Addison, but because he hated the way his life had become. Meaningless fucks were okay to him, but he didn't feel sated anymore. Not fully. Especially not in this big city, in his job and especially not under the microscope that his family put over him, analyzing his every move. He needed to breathe. So he called up his friend Mark and told him he wanted to drop out of Mount Sinai and start his life elsewhere. Despite deeming him insane, his friend ended up coming around and warming up to the idea. Two weeks later, under the June sun of Southern California, they finished placing the furniture inside his newly purchased Spanish villa in Las Flores.

"Dude, you know I support you and obviously came around to this idea seeing as I just carried a buttload of heavy furniture inside that house for the past two weeks but are you sure?", Mark asked.

"Yes Mark, I'm sure," Derek rolled his eyes.

"No need to give me an attitude, dude. I was the one who carried all your stuff up these stairs," Mark frowned.

"Shut up. Anyway, I'm in my thirties, still plenty of road to go and I'm on the fast track to establish myself as a top class neurosurgeon," Derek said. "I just need a break."

"You do know this small town will do nothing to help those ambitions, right?" Mark quipped. "I'm pretty sure this thing doesn't even have a real hospital or whatever."

"I know that. But this is just a halfway mark. I really need this break, man. I'll get back to Mount Sinai eventually, when the time feels right," Derek nodded.

"Well man, if you're sure. Listen, I gotta run. It's been pleasant and all, and this is a nice little town or something, but I've got plenty of hot chicks waiting for me in the Big Apple. I met this one chick, Callie. Oh dude, she can...", Mark started.

"Don't. I appreciate your help but I don't wanna hear about your sexual adventures. I don't even know how you're standing here disease free," Derek shot back.

"Oh man, that was a low blow. You know, no glove no love and all. Hey, maybe that's your problem. How long has it been since you've had an orgasm?" Mark grinned.

"None of your business. You better get on the road. It's still a long drive. Listen man, I appreciate everything and I'll be sure to call. Take care of Ma, Nance, Kath, Ems and Amy for me, hey? Tell them I love them and that I'll be back soon. I hope," Derek breathed.

"You got it, man. Now don't go getting all sappy on me. I'll look after stuff. You be good, and call when you get a chance...", Mark trailed off. "Dude, I totally sound like Ma now."

"You really do," Derek laughed, although it still sounded harsh. "She'd be proud."

"Shut up," Mark frowned as he closed the trunk of his car. "I guess I'll see you when I see you?"

"You can always visit the West Coast, or the Best Coast as they call it," Derek shrugged.

"Yeah yeah," Mark rolled his eyes as he closed the car door. "You'll be begging for Manhattan sooner than you expect."

"Don't count on it," Derek said as he heard Mark rev up the engine. "Drive safe, man."

"You know it. Take care of yourself, bro. And get yourself some lovin'!", Mark said, driving off.

"Will do," Derek rolled his eyes as he went back to the garage to bring out the bucket and the hose to rinse off the dust in his Porsche. "Guess it's just me and you, baby. Great, now I'm talking to a car. Man."

Just as Derek was preparing to bring out the hose and wash off the soap, he heard the engine of what seemed to be an expensive car drive up the street. A car fanatic from an early age and thus attracted by the sound of what could potentially be a great car, he quickly looked around until he found the source of such noise. A mature man, probably in his 50's, was driving and the most mesmerizing woman he'd ever seen was sitting next to him. With a slightly pale complexion, what seemed to be sparkling green eyes and dirty blonde hair, this woman got him intrigued just by driving past him. He struggled to keep his expression ice cold, trying to disguise the hot blood pumping through his veins at the mere sight of her. A tight lipped smile hopefully showed her just how emotionally unavailable he was, but that didn't keep him from finding himself missing her already as she drove off into the house next to his. What a great way to start his new life, he thought. Damn it.


	3. Seventeen

"Miss Grey!", a loud voice came from the main gate of the house.

Meredith was quickly shaken out of her reverie by the piercing sound which could only belong to Marybeth, one of the chefs at the house. She has always been close to the servants - or friends, like she thought - but Marybeth and Manny were the ones she had a closer friendship with. Marybeth, a Nashville lady, was always more of a mother to Meredith than Ellis herself, so it's only natural she'd miss her a lot more than she'd care to admit.

"Marybeth! There you are! Oh, I missed you so much! And for the millionth time, it's Meredith," Meredith playfully groaned.

"Oh I know, I know, sweet pea, but I'm just so used to this strict code that it's hard to get it out of my system," Marybeth laughed.

"One day you'll learn to do it, I promise you that," Meredith laughed. "In the meantime, fill me in on the gossip, you cheeky lady!"

"Alright child, will you calm down," Marybeth laughed. "You only just walked through these darn doors, missy! Now I better go help Manny get your bags out of the car, I don't suppose he can do it by himself."

"Oh you don't dare say that to his face," Meredith giggled. "Too much male pride."

"I know better, sweet pea. We stay here all year together even though you're off in that big town of yours," Marybeth said sadly.

"Oh Mary, don't say that, I miss you guys all year, and I wish I was living here permanently every day," Meredith sighed.

"Well I know that, you beautiful lady," Marybeth said as she grabbed her carry on. "Don't work yourself up. Me and the old one here will get you all settled. You just rest."

"I don't need to rest," Meredith protested. "I'm ready to hear all about the town gossip. Especially all about the new neurosurgeon."

"Oh child... Don't get yourself into something you don't understand. He's very much older than you, more experienced. You're only seventeen, sweet pea," Marybeth shook her head.

"I didn't say I wanted that, Marybeth!", Meredith said, blushing furiously. "He just seems interesting. You know...gossip wise."

"Sure," Marybeth laughed disbelievingly. "Come on in and freshen up, me and Manny will get this done and I'll fix you something to eat."

"Okay," Meredith breathed. She was really only asking out of sheer curiosity. Or maybe that's what she tried to convince herself of. Maybe what she really wanted to know was whether that piercing man was available...no, no. She was only seventeen. There was no way she'd ever consider doing anything with an older man. Especially not since she has never been touched before, nor has she been intimate with anyone just yet. All these thoughts ran through her head as she ran upstairs to the washroom, leaning down by the sink as her eyes caught her embroided towels with the initials M.G. her mother had imported from Egypt. Life in the fab lane, so to speak. Not that she ever cared about such things. She quickly washed her face and looked at her still flushed expression in the mirror. Hopefully the crimson complexion would fade away before her snack with Marybeth. She started descending the stairs until she heard another greeting, this time from Ana. She thought this was a great opportunity to get something out of her, especially since she's been in direct contact with the neurosurgeon.

"Meredith Grey, you get back in here!", Ana mock shouted.

"Ana! It's so good to see you! You look beautiful!", Meredith grinned while hugging the woman.

"Oh flattery will get you nowhere! You don't call, you don't write," Ana playfully frowned.

"You know, this is starting to sound like a horrible breakup," Meredith joked.

"Don't you get funny with me, lady!", Ana laughed. "I believe we may have to talk."

"What about?", Meredith inquired.

"You're gonna tell me you spent another whole year in New York and still no boyfriend? No lover? No one popped that cherry?", Ana joked.

"Will you keep it down?", Meredith hissed. "I don't need people to know about my private life...or something."

"Oh honey, everyone knows you're a sweet girl. It's only natural," Ana smiled. "If anything, they're relieved you're not off doing those things. They love that you're so focused on your school work."

"Yeah, I suppose. Manny told me there's a new neighbor next door... Do you know anything about that?", Meredith asked, trying to keep it casual.

"Oh, Dr. Shepherd?", Ana's voice rose to an excited tone. "He's hot. Really hot. He's not a man of many words, in fact it took me about two days to get an hello out of him but he's great. He has a great body if you manage to get past all the brooding and the roughness."

'Oh, I can definitely work past the roughness and brooding', Meredith thought. No, no. Bad thoughts. She should have nothing to do with that man. She didn't know the first thing about him anyway, so it shouldn't be hard.

"I guess," Meredith shrugged. She sucked at this casual thing.

"You guess? Why do I read something more into that?", Ana raised her brow.

"Who? Me? I can hardly vouch for anything...I mean, I hardly know the man. I mean...I don't know him at all except for some...uh...random stares as we pulled into the driveway...", Meredith stammered.

"Oh, now you definitely need to spill those beans, girl," Ana giggled.

"Sweet pea! Your cheesecake is out the fridge and I got us some iced tea!", Marybeth shouted from downstairs.

"Oh, gosh, guess we're gonna have to reschedule our talk...or whatever," Meredith winked.

"Oh I'll get it out of you sooner or later, Meredith Grey, don't you doubt that," Ana laughed.

"We'll see," Meredith threw over her shoulder as she made her way downstairs. Man, that was close. She really needed to get ahold of her stammering and rambling, she almost got caught out there. Not that there was anything to catch, though. No, Meredith Grey certainly did not have the hots for anyone...much less Dr. Shepherd. Now all she needed to do was convince herself of that. 


	4. Talking To The Moon

**Hi guys! :)**

**Thank you SO much for the reviews I got overnight! You would not believe how excited I was when I got up this morning and read them. Thank you! No matter how small they are, they fill my heart with love!**

**Now enough with the sappy stuff ;) heehee. This is when the story takes a porny turn. I would just like to point out that although these next chapters are mature, they all serve a purpose and it's not simply senseless porn. Not that there's anything wrong with that, heehee. ;)**

**I tend to be very chatty so I better stop now! Hope you guys enjoy.**

Derek couldn't sleep. He was moving from one division to another, tried to down several glasses of scotch, played a round or two of Tetris on his phone, checked his e-mail, fumbled with his laptop but he couldn't sit still. As he made his way upstairs and pushed the door to his dark bedroom open, he immediately caught sight of a light bouncing off the window next door. He found it awfully voyeur-ish of him to check out what it led to, but he couldn't control his feet as they took him to the seat by the window. It didn't take long before a lean figure showed up on the other side, her back to him, a perfect view of her plump ass. Derek let out an unconscious gasp, surprised to see how aroused he was already. He could feel his cock rising second after second against the material of his boxer briefs. He hadn't gotten hard that fast in a long time. He hoped the darkness of the room would conceal his identity, he wasn't ready for the girl to know who he was just yet. She kept wiggling around, almost making it seem like she knew she was being watched by a horny mature man. She quickly moved towards the window, and Derek let out another painfully erotic gasp. He caught sight of the small breasts, the pink rosy nipples who were pert and perky, her flat abdomen and her flawless lower side, covered in blonde little curls. She was a goddess as she spread some lotion all over her body. The thought of that young thing laying below him as he pounded into her was enough to send his senses into overdrive. Senselessly, he reached a hand into his khaki pants, grabbing hold of his throbbing member and stroking slowly in the same pace as hers. Just as he was about to close his eyes and let his orgasm push him into oblivion, their eyes locked. He felt the tiniest pang of fear over being so exposed in front of a younger girl, but that fear lasted only seconds as he let it be overcome by this erotic experience. He couldn't stop.

Meredith decided a shower would work best to relieve that aching feeling, those butterflies resting in her lower abdomen after the talk she had with Marybeth. She had asked a million and more questions about the man in the Porsche, what she felt for him, what was happening; all of which she had no answer to. Seriously, how was she supposed to answer that? she hadn't shared two words with the man, all she knew was that she was enthralled by his seriousness and hard appeal. So in order to release the tension, she got into a steamy shower before bed. Rinsing off a day's worth of excitement and let exhaustion take over. As she stepped out of the shower, she thoughtlessly moved back into her bedroom without grabbing a towel...temperatures soar in Southern California and air drying alone seemed quite appealing. Meredith grabbed her lotion and started spreading it all over her body, leaving no crease untouched. Such meticulous approach would secure the body she hoped to get, the body she kept getting compliments on by all kinds of boys in school but none of which actually pleased her enough to go seal the deal, per say. Sure, there had been some kisses, pecks on the lips, mainly but she just never found that one guy. She moved to face the window and went to reach for her t-shirt when she caught sight of the most erotic thing she had ever seen. Dr. Shepherd was facing her, his right hand buried deep within his pants, seemingly stroking himself into Heaven, his eyes halfway closed, his mouth open in a perfect "O". She felt herself flush immediately but instead of covering herself up, she moved her hands to her breasts. She had no idea what possessed her to burst such bold move, but she carefully caressed her breasts. She couldn't stop.

Derek was mesmerized by what he was seeing. The little vixen was running her long fingers through her small but perfect breasts, which hung heavy and desperate for some licking and sucking. He'd be more than happy to oblige. She was enjoying this as much as he was, he could tell by the tiny gasps she was seemingly letting out. He started pumping faster and faster until he could feel the orgasm curl from deep within his balls. They hung heavy, just like her breasts. He could feel his hands getting sticky and he mentally kicked himself for having such little control; he hadn't driven himself to pleasure in a long, long time but the little minx in front of him did that to him. He couldn't help but feel more aroused than he had memory of. By then she had moved her hands lower, playing with the dirty blonde curls that matched her beautiful, bouncy hair. He could only think about how much he wanted to dive into those lips, run his expert tongue along them while she squirmed under him, fisting his hair and screaming his name. Dr. Shepherd. That'd do just fine. "Oh God," he whispered with his eyes closed. He was close. Too close. He saw her run her finger through her slit, and he could see the juices shining in the moonlight. God, how he'd give a year's salary to suck those fingers dry. He was too hard. He needed that release. He pumped and pumped, picturing her on her knees, her perfect lips wrapped around his above average pole as he rammed it into her expecting mouth. Her saliva would serve as lubricant as he fisted her honey blonde hair and kept pummeling into her little mouth. "Yes, God yes, I'm so close baby," he gasped. He opened his eyes and saw her fingering herself. That did it. He felt like a teenager again. He felt the orgasm rip through his organ, just as it burst through his penis, combining into a white hot load, creaming his khaki pants, one hand firmly stuck on his window. He didn't stop.

Meredith was blown away by the sexual appeal of the man standing at a window's distance from her. His masculine build kept enticing her, and she dared move her hand lower just as his picked up pace. Oh, how she wanted to see his dick. She had never been near one, never touched it in softness or hardness. She craved that organ, she wanted to play with it, kiss it. Maybe lick a little. Running her tongue along the shaft seemed perfect. She cursed her inexperience as the man worked himself up to an unbelievable orgasm. She wanted to give something back, she wanted to bring herself that same pleasure. She thought this was way out of her comfort zone, only she had ever seen herself naked but she felt it was time to have fun. Live a little. She took a look at her long, bony fingers and ran them along her overly wet slit, so ready to accomodate those rough surgeon hands. She shuddered from the somewhat unexpected contact, her fingertips running through her clit, jiggling it for a while, pinching it just as Dr. Shepherd closed his eyes in utter pleasure. She had never dared stick her fingers inside herself, but the arousing moment she was living with the next door neighbor called for bold moves, just as she snuck her middle finger up herself. She let out a painfully beautiful gasp as she felt her finger grasp things she never knew existed, driving her to a surprise pre-climax. Her brain felt foggy, she was in a daze as the man in front of her looked close to his orgasm. She moved the finger up faster and faster, and dared to add a second one for added pleasure. "Oh my God!", she shouted in a whisper. She reached out for the wall, bracing herself for what she believed would be her first orgasm. "Yes! Yes, God, yes, thank you," she breathed. She felt to her knees, one hand on the wall, another holding her belly, shuddering from the climax. Her fingers glistened in the low light of the bedroom. She didn't stop.


	5. Fencing You In

Derek woke up to a sunny day in Southern California. He convinced himself he'd need to grow used to the beautiful Las Flores weather, where the sun shines every day without fault. He figured it'd be a good day to test out the pool at his newly acquired house, especially after last night's steamy encounter. He couldn't stop thinking about it. He never felt more enticed by a woman before. He was aroused in a way he had deemed impossible, no other woman had worked him to that peak, even lying underneath him or riding him. He just didn't think it was possible to be that turned on, especially not while standing at a window's distance. Just as he grabbed him swim trunks, he heard a faint noise coming from the house directly next to his. A lawn mower, he assumed. He peeked out of the dressing room's window which faced the Grey's garden. He saw a middle aged man mowing the lawn, the same man that was driving the car yesterday and that girl from yesterday laid by the pool, casually catching the rays and giggling about something the man said. The whole house was surrounded by mile high fences, you only had access to the inside shenanigans if you stand on the top floor of the surrounding homes. Luckily for him, he did just that. He thought about how good she looked wearing that leopard print bikini, so simple on her but so sexy. Her lean legs draped over the relaxing chair, an icy lemonade by her side. Just as he was about to leave, he saw the man sneak inside and leave her alone by the pool. He didn't plan on speaking and was set on going for a swim, but her stare caught his and there they were again, just like yesterday...only he doubted they were about to engage on that same porn fest.

Their expressions stood frozen for what seemed to be a long time, and sensing she would rather drown herself of embarrassment instead of actually making a move, he nodded his head as an invitation for her to come on over. He saw her stop in her tracks, but a faint nod of her head told him she had understood him loud and clear. He couldn't believe he was about to talk to this girl, the same girl who he had shared one of the most erotic experiences of his life with. He opted for a pair of casual baby blue shorts and a white t-shirt as he made his way downstairs. Just as he reached the simply decorated hallway, he heard the buzz of the gate bell ring through the house. His giddiness was unusual for him, a man who never allowed himself to feel anything but cold as stone. He pushed himself out of his thoughts and moved down the four steps towards his garden's pathway until he reached the dark gray gate, pressing the button to open it. He bit back a gasp and a sigh, choosing to keep his expression cool and emotionless as he saw her up close for the first time. My, was she gorgeous. Her hair hung curly down her shoulders; she was wearing a pink sundress and some sandals. She took his breath away, but he never let it show, not even once.

"H...hey," she stammered.

'God, her voice is so beautiful', he thought. Fits her perfectly. He had no idea why those thoughts were running through his head, he never experienced such thing.

"Hello," he said.

"I think you, um, called me here, right?", she said, biting her bottom lip.

"Yes, I did. Come on in, let's not attract much gossip," he said, coolly.

"O...okay," she breathed.

She moved into his house, looking around the garden for a moment and back to his retreating figure, so lean and muscular. He sensed her eyes on him, and lead him to his backyard. He sat down on one of the chairs, gesturing for her to do the same.

"So...", he said, sinking down on one of the pillowed chairs.

"So...", she mimicked, taking his cue and sitting down as well.

"What we did yesterday was crazy. I never expected it to happen," he said briskly.

"Oh," Meredith breathed, slightly disappointed. "Oh."

"That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I did," Derek nodded.

"Oh...I...I did too. It was really good, Dr., uh...Mr., uh... Dr. Shepherd," Meredith stammered. Damn this stammering.

"Good," he nodded again.

"I'm Meredith by the way," she threw lamely.

"Yes, I know who you are," Derek said. "I've been investigating."

"Oh...okay," Meredith nodded carefully. "Why did you call me in here, though?"

"I thought we could go for a swim," he shrugged, discarding his white t-shirt that hugged his muscled torso.

"A swim? Uh...both of us?", Meredith asked, her eyes wide.

"Well, of course. I couldn't help but notice you were going to go for one anyway, so might as well," Derek said.

"Uh... Okay, yeah, I guess," she said, as she rid herself of her sundress, stripping down to her bikini.

Derek stood closeby appreciating every curve of her body up close, memorizing the way her body looked so exposed, so neatly open to him, with only tiny pieces of fabric covering it from his hungry gaze. He quickly turned on his heels and dived head first into the pool, the cool water contrasting with the hot wave felt outside. Meredith followed closely but not before appreciating his abs, wanting desperately to run her hands through every crease, lick every hole, every available surface on his body. As they both found themselves swimming around the large pool, Derek looked for her body beneath the surface, waiting until she was resting her body against the side of the pool before swimming quickly towards her. His head found the surface again and he effectively pinned her to the side of the pool, not missing the panicky gaze her eyes let out, almost hearing the fast thud of her heart against her ribcage. He moved his head dangerously close to her ear and whispered hotly to her.

"You know, I came so hard last night. My pants were so creamy, they held such a huge load," he whispered naughtily.

"Oh," she breathed, clearly flushed, her heart pounding in her ears.

"My dick was so hard, it craved being inside you, tearing you in two as I sucked on your perky nipples, my fingertips playing with your swollen little clit," he demanded.

"Oh God...," she whispered.

"Did you come hard, too? Did you feel it?," he asked.

"Yes, oh," she gasped. "I came too. Because of you, Dr. Shepherd. You made me come so hard."

"Good, that's good," he said.

She could feel his erection poking her stomach, almost teasing her and she couldn't help but wish it would tease her entrance instead. While she was busy with her thoughts, he caught her off guard and stuck his lips hungrily to hers, rubbing himself against her as his tongue pushed her lips open, tasting the inside of her mouth thoroughly. He left no piece untasted. She took a while to respond to the kiss, just until he felt her tongue mingle with his, and she tried to suck on it, almost mimicking what she wanted to do to his dick. He teared his mouth away from hers as he moved his hand upwards, cupping her left breast and feeling the pert nipple burst through the material of the bikini top. He gingerly pushed it away and caught sight of what he vaguely saw yesterday, that beautiful small breast. He looked at her as if asking for permission, but all he saw were her rolled back eyes and her swollen lips opened freely in an "O". He took that opportunity to take his mouth and latch on to her nipple, sucking vigorously while hearing those little gasps coming from near him. He put his right hand behind her head as if bracing himself and he felt her hips thrust towards his cock, knowing he wanted him to take her there. He couldn't. He teared himself away from the perfect little boob and put the top back in place, amidst strong protests from her. He moved to get out of the pool as he sat down on one of the chairs, her following quickly behind.

"What was that?", she asked, out of breath.

"That was me sucking your tit," he said, his brisk tone returning.

"I...I know," she stammered, shocked by his boldness. "But why did you stop?"

"Because I don't want the first time I glide my penis into your beautiful vagina to be inside my pool," he responded, much to her embarrassment.

"Oh...I...okay," she said. "But you could at least let me return the favor."

"Oh honey, I will. Just not today," he said, as he picked up his clothes and moved towards her, planting a quick but forceful kiss on her lips. "Close the gate on your way out. We'll see each other again."

"I...", she started, but it fell on deaf ears as the door was forcefully closed and she felt alone... Alone but wet, more alive than ever. She let a small smile play on her lips as she moved towards the gate. No word could be breathed about this encounter...but she'd play it in her mind over and over again nonetheless. 


	6. Innocence

**Just trying to get you guys all caught up... :) thank you SO, SO, SO much for the reviews. I am a happy little camper right now! **

**Enjoy!**

Meredith felt like she was on cloud nine. She had no idea how a man could have so much power over her, but the truth is, he did. He controlled her every move. Every night, she'd get undressed and wait by the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of the older man. He didn't show up more often than not, but that didn't stop her from trying. They had repeated the window porn a couple more times since the first time, but she hadn't seen him in person after their first encounter two weeks ago. It felt like a lifetime for her. She needed to feel his warmth, to feel alive like that again. That's why she planned to see Dr. Shepherd again tonight. She would sneak out to his house after everyone was asleep, usually after 10 at night, and sneak back in just like that. She looked at the clock on the wall as it striked 8pm. It was supper time, prepared by Ana. She ran down the stairs, giddy as ever, as she took her place at the dinner table. Ana brought out her famous lasagna, and called everyone over to the table.

"Wow, missy, you're here early," Ana laughed. "I usually have to go upstairs with a sauce pan to get you to come down."

"Oh...I...I'm just hungry, Ana," Meredith breathed. "Your lasagna is the best."

"It must be," Ana nodded.

"Oh, yum... Smells wonderful, dear," Manny grinned. "Can't wait to dig in."

"Sure does, sweet pea," Marybeth smiled. "You're a talented little cook, Ana."

"Thank you, Marybeth," Ana smiled. "Now let's dig in!"

They all started filling their plates, the delicious aroma filling the air and Meredith dug in at top speed, which did not going unnoticed by anyone.

"Whoa, there, kid," Manny laughed. "Don't work yourself up. There's plenty for everyone."

"Yes, Meredith, calm down and chew," Marybeth laughed. "You're awfully strange today, baby."

"I'm okay, I'm just hungry", Meredith shrugged.

Silence fell over the table as all of them finished their meal, and left the dining room. Meredith ran up the stairs and waited for all the lights to go off, signaling that everyone had effectively gone to bed. It was shortly after 10pm when all the power disappeared, and Meredith knew it was go time. She stealthly snuck out of the house, slowly opening the front gate and running down the street. She reached the familiar gate, the same gate in which she felt those butterflies 2 weeks ago. She rang the bell and waited for an answer.

"Who is it?", came the rough question.

"Uh...it's, um, Meredith," she said, nervousness creeping through her.

There was a pregnant pause and after what seemed like an hour, the front gate opened. Meredith slowly walked in and went up the steps, knocking softly on the wooden door. She was almost instantly met with a very exposed Dr. Shepherd, stripped down to nothing but his boxers and t-shirt, which did nothing to conceal his prominent bulge. Her eyes widened considerably but he simply turned around and walked inside, wordlessly telling her to follow him. They walked into the living room as he rested his back on the soft yellow wall, waiting for her to break the ice. It never came.

"So, what are you doing here?," he asked, his brisk tone a pattern now.

"You said we'd see each other again, but we never did. You never reached out to me," she threw at him, pathetically. She cursed how desperate she sounded.

"Well I didn't, did I?," he responded, sarcastically. "Guess that wasn't very nice of me. Seems fitting seeing as I'm not a nice guy, anyway."

"Yeah," came her lame reply.

"Yeah," he replied carelessly, sipping his forgotten scotch.

"Can I have a sip?," she suddenly asked, desperate to keep this man interested.

"I guess," he shrugged carelessly and passed her the glass.

She sipped slowly, licking the place where his mouth had been, the taste strikingly similar to that day at the pool. She winced as the amber liquid ran down her throat.

"Can't handle your alcohol, huh?", he said, a brow raised high.

"I can handle my alcohol just fine, thank you," she retorted.

"It doesn't seem like it. If you can't handle that scotch, I'm not sure you can handle much else I have to offer you," he said.

"Well, I guess we'll never know, then," she breathed, looking him dead in the eye.

He was taken aback by the fire in her eyes, the passion hidden behind the green orbs, passion he knew he could never recreate, knowing full on he was not capable of anything but loving someone with his cock. He didn't know what happened but he saw her walk slowly up to him until she was mere inches away from his face, her tongue darting out of her mouth and running slowly over his lips. Her eyes closed and she put one hand on his shoulder, moving it up to his hair and running it lazily over the raven curls. She rested her body on his as he tilted his head to the side, opening his mouth gently and envolving hers in a searing kiss, dare he say passionate? No, just horny. A horny kiss, judging by his raging erection pressing on her belly once more. He stopped the kiss just as her tongue prepared to suck on his again, and led her to the couch instead.

He sat her down on the couch, opting to stand up himself instead. He removed his blue t-shirt and went for the gold. He saw her eyes widen as he reached for the thin line above his boxer briefs, signaling that they'd be coming off sooner than later. She fell motionless on the couch just as he hooked two fingers on each side of the fabric and pulled the boxers down, his iron rod standing up proudly almost on command, rising above the dark pubic hair. The veiny organ, way above average, served to both excite and scare Meredith. He wiggled his penis around gently, stroking it up to his full potential, closing his eyes and standing dangerously close to her face, and especially her mouth.

"Have you ever sucked a cock, Meredith?," he asked firmly, confidence oozing out of his pores.

"Oh...I...I...I haven't, no," she rambled, embarrassment dripping from her voice. She sat there with his penis looking her straight in the eye, his red velvety head begging for some licks, some attention. Nervousness was setting in the pit of her stomach, the little sip of scotch she'd had earlier was working itself up to her brain, making it foggy and hazy.

He wasn't fazed, though. Instead, his pleasure heightened even more, knowing he was about to fuck that mouth for the first time, knowing his cock would stretch her lips to lengths she never deemed possible and that he'd force his white, creamy semen to run smoothly down her elegant throat. Yes, he felt this primal need to be her first...little did he know, he would be his first in everything he would do.

"Well then, open up," he coaxed. "Don't be shy, Mer."

Her heart swelled with adoration at the mention of her nickname, but sank fearing she wouldn't be able to please this Adonis currently standing butt naked in front of her.

"I...uh...are you sure? Because I wanna please you, Dr. Shepherd, I do, but I've never done this before," she stammered.

"I know, I just want your pink full lips on my cock now," he ordered roughly.

She complied, nodding slightly and scooting forward slowly but surely, staring at the velvety head right in front of her face, the slit closer than ever as her tongue darted shyly out of her mouth and rested on that smooth wine colored portion of such a glorious cock. Judging by the gasps coming from the man, she was doing well. She kept licking around the head, watching as her saliva took residence in his dick. She slowly descended to the shaft, feeling the veins that popped up, making it that much more appealing. Big and veiny. She kept on licking until she heard his firm voice. "Suck on it now, Mer. Suck me good," he said, his hands tangled in her smooth hair, pulling gently but letting her know it was time. Finally, after convincing herself inwardly that it'd be okay, she opened her mouth a little just as he let out the most beautiful 'yes' she had ever heard. She enveloped as much cock as she could with her tiny mouth, sucking vigorously on it and letting it go with an audible 'pop'.

"Yes, Mer, oh my God, suck a little harder, you're about to feel so much cum drip down you," he gasped. She smiled shyly and went back to work, this time letting her teeth gently run through the penis. His legs shook terribly, so much that he felt like he was about to fall down. She grabbed his ass cheeks, giving them a firm squeeze as she tried to stuff more cock in, attempting to deep throat him, but failed slightly. She felt herself choke so she let go of the cock, coughed a little but never losing her determination. She looked up helplessly at him, almost mouthing an apology. He didn't care, he was enjoying it. "Keep going, Mer. You're a natural cock sucker," he encouraged.

She picked it back up and stuffed it back into her mouth, working him into an orgasmic frenzy. She sucked and licked for a while longer, but noticed his heavy balls hanging around. Their exquisite look turned her on, and she let go of his hard dick and cupped them in her hand. The jiggly balls were appealing to her and she slowly licked them, sucking very slightly on them gently afterwards, too. "Oh God Mer...that's it. Give the guys some action, too," he gasped. Sensing his climax approaching, he gently pulled his balls out of her mouth and replaced them with his cock instead, forcefully shoving it inside her mouth. Meredith panicked, knowing his release was far too close and she attempted to pull away, but Dr. Shepherd held her head in place just as hot cum spurted out of his cock and ran down her throat, some flowing freely out of her mouth, so much excess, such a big climax. She realized she couldn't hold it all, so she pulled back and smiled at him, her lips smeared with his sperm as she ran her index finger through them and pushed the excess inside her mouth, swallowing with joy. He tasted so good. Too good.


	7. And The Fog Rolled Away

**So you're all caught up with the Grey's McBoard, so updates will come for both sites at the same time! :)**

**And to the 50 Shades review I got, I'd like to address a few things: firstly, I have never read that book, nor do I have any interest in reading something that would cheapen what this story is about. Secondly, this is no trashy story, because this is something very dear to my heart, and if anything resembles whatever characteristics were found in 50 shades, then too bad. If the criticism I get isn't constructive, why bother saying these things? Things will mirror real life events, so I'm sorry if this is not your thing and if you've been traumatized by the 50 Shades book, then don't read it. Simple. However, that's no good reason to bash my story, the story I pour my all into. That's all I wanted to say. :) trying not to get discouraged by it.**

**Thanks everyone and enjoy! :) **

Derek never allowed himself to be so deeply affected by anyone, much less a girl. Come to think of it, he had no idea how old she was. 24? 25? That had to be about right. She seemed young but he didn't seem to care, all he wanted was more of her, more love, more porn, more anything. He just wanted her. You see, that never happened to him. Not him, the great Derek Shepherd. He could have any woman he wanted, he just generally didn't. This one, though, was his prey from the get go. He was so enthralled by her innocence masked by her slight confidence, but if you blinked you'd miss it. He was sure she was nothing but a scared woman looking for some summer fun, and he was all about that. He loved...no, not loved. Love is not a word in his vocabulary. He liked the way she made him feel, the way he felt so fearless whenever she was around, the boldness of his tone, the urgency of his kiss. These thoughts alone were enough to scare him straight, but he allowed himself to think it was just the orgasms he liked, not her as a whole. He waited until the servants left for the regular grocery shopping before he decided to pop over her house for a little visit, set some things straight.

He came down the familiar street, stopping by the big, imponent gate that seemed to go on for miles and confidently rang the bell. Her shy voice came through the intercom, asking who it was.

"Hey Meredith, open the door," he ordered, a little more sweetly than usual.

He heard her gasp softly, perhaps surprised by such visit, but the gate took virtually no time to burst open, albeit slowly. Too slowly. He let himself in and found her waiting at the top of the princess like stairs, a floral sundress grazing her body and her hair pinned back into a ponytail. She looked really beautiful. He walked to the top of the stairs and came face to face with her.

"What are you doing here?", she asked.

"I came to see you," he shrugged. "Are you going to let me in?"

"Yes," she replied confidently. He couldn't help but notice her stammering had vanished a little. Interesting.

They walked into the house, passing the elegantly decorated hallway as she led him to her bedroom located on the top floor of the house. She opened the door and allowed him to enter, going after him and sitting down on her chais longue. They both looked at each other before she broke the ice.

"Did we go a little too far yesterday? Did we push the limits?", she asked, genuinely concerned.

"Do you think we did?", he breathed.

"I don't know. I wanted to. I enjoyed it. But you're so experienced Dr. Shepherd, and I'm just...", she trailed off.

"You're just what?", he asked.

"I'm just a meesly seventeen year old," she said, shyly. She had to come clean. She had to confess.

His breath was knocked out of him. He had been given a blowjob by a seventeen year old, a child, over 10 years his junior. He was gobsmacked and a little mad. They were at different stages in their lives, and although Derek was still figuring things out, the truth of the matter was this relationship was deeply frowned upon, even by himself. He couldn't believe his ears. The word seventeen kept playing in his head, almost as if banging and ringing in his ears. Seventeen.

"You...I...What... You never thought of mentioning it to me?! When you had your mouth on my cock?! When I had my mouth on your tit?!", he shouted.

"I didn't think it mattered! You wanted me! You were there and...no one has ever wanted me before," she whispered sadly.

"I just... You gave me a blowjob. You're seventeen, Meredith, and you gave me a blowjob. You're... I... This is too much. Too...much... I don't understand...", he stammered.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd. I know I should have mentioned it earlier, I was just scared you wouldn't want me anymore," she said, that sad tone never leaving her voice.

"You should. You should have. Oh Mer...what were you thinking?", he whispered, shocked by the sweetness in his voice.

"I just feel so good when I am around you, I've never felt that way," she whispered.

Derek looked at the girl, obviously saddened by her confession and he feared the possible backlash it would imply but he couldn't help himself. He leaned in and kissed her gently, cupping her face and prying her mouth open with his wet tongue, pulling her on his lap. She settled herself on the strong doctor's lap, his erection making itself known beneath her, touching her vagina through the fabric of her soaked blue panties. He sucked on her tongue as if it was candy and placed his hands on her ass, squeezing it gently and roughly at the same time, pulling it up and down on his erection, shuddering from the sheer friction it provided. Just as he felt Meredith begin to unzip his jeans, he stilled her movements.

"Mer, Mer...stop," he said as he held her hands.

"What...Dr. Shepherd, don't you want me? Don't you want this anymore?", she asked sadly.

"No, I do...I really do, but I wanna make you feel good, I want you to feel what I felt yesterday," he said. 'Even if it's the last time we'll get to do this.'

Meredith felt herself flush and wondered what it'd be like to have his tongue running up and down her wet slit, unexplored by everyone but herself. Virgin territory. He carefully pulled her dress over her head, groaning almost immediately as her breasts sprang free, he hadn't noticed she wasn't wearing a bra. He roughly cupped her breasts for a moment before lying her on her bed.

"Meredith...has...have you...have you ever gotten oral before?", he stammered. Derek Shepherd was not a man who stammered, but this called for it.

"I...uh...no," she admitted softly. This immediately raised some red flags in Derek's mind, leading to his next question.

"Mer, are you a virgin?", he asked, hopeful.

"I...yes, I am, Dr. Shepherd," she said, embarrassment tainting her voice.

Derek was once again left speechless. Not in a bad way, per say. This woman would lay bare in front of him, untouched and pure as the driven snow, his for the taking... Such a primal experience. She would be his before she would be anyone else's. A strange feeling of not wanting to let her be anyone else's washed over Derek for a second, but he thoroughly pushed it out of his mind. He considered it the sex fog.

Not another word was spoken as the blue panties Meredith was wearing laid discarded on the white fuzzy rug by the bed, but not before Derek brought them to his nose and took some well deserved sniffs. That was all for him, all about him, all because of him. The creamy mess in Meredith's panties was a signal of her impeding arousal for him, a hunger he would see to end, leaving her completely sated and spent. He quickly laid down between her legs, his own erection lying forgotten and tucked neatly inside his boxer briefs as all the attention shifted to Meredith's untouched vagina. He used his hands and head to pry her legs open, creating a clean pathway for his tongue to run down through, kissing his way from her calf up to her inner thigh while hearing Meredith's soft mews and sighs, quickly turning into throaty moans the closer he got to the bullseye. He propped his tongue out and tentively run it on an upwards motion up her slit, lapping all the juices he possibly could in one simple sitting. She tasted sweet, like she definitely was. A sweet girl who pleased him to no end, and who he wanted to please in just the same way...possibly even more. He ran the pad of his thumb across her erect clit, pinching it softly and pulling it into his mouth, sucking it just like he'd suck on her tongue, eliciting some deep groans from her, some voiceless shouts and the always erotic, "Yes, Dr. Shepherd, right there!"

He decided to pull up his finger and drive it up her virginal opening, testing the waters, so to speak. He pushed his middle finger inside her and was ecstatic to see such amazing response, as she shuddered and trembled under his expert touch. Her mouth was opened in a perfect 'O' as she rested her hands on his hair. She was blown away by him. He knew exactly where to touch, what buttons to push, how to drive a woman over the edge. He let her get used to the feel of one finger inside her just as he heard her gasp. "Dr. Shepherd...you...can you add another finger?", she said, slightly embarrassed. With no further approval needed, he eased another finger in, joining the other one as his tongue eagerly flicked against her heavenly clit, him eating her up as much as he virtually could. He opened his mouth and sucked on everything he reached.

"Oh my God, Dr. Shepherd, please don't stop! Oh please," she begged. He loved when women begged. He drove her over the edge just as she came all around his two long, full fingers. He brought them to his lips, licking as much as he could. It was heaven. She was pretty sure she was having an outer body experience, that powerful orgasm left her spent, sated, utterly breathless. Her head fell heavily on her pillow, Derek pressed a final kiss to her vagina, one last little lick and he rolled away from her, moving to lay next to her, staring at the ceiling, contemplating his next move. He closed his eyes for a bit, enjoying the sweet taste of her in his mouth.

"Dr. Shepherd...", he heard from somewhere a little far away.

"Huh?", he asked groggily. That's when he saw her, easing his boxers out and preparing to take his cock into her waiting mouth. It was too much to take.

"I want to return the favor. I want to feel your juices drip down me again," she said saucily.

He sat up quickly and helped her getting on a kneeling position, whatever felt more comfortable for her. He let his head fall forgotten on her padded headboard as he felt the familiar feel of her tongue start running lazy circles all over his velvety head. Just as her head started bobbing up and down, they heard the most piercing sound.

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey!", Marybeth shouted at the top of her lungs. She was livid.

Damn it. Caught in the act.


	8. Caught

**Hey guys! Hope everyone's doing great today!**

**Here's a new chapter. By the way, here's the thing with me: most of the time, when I read a fic and the update {although it provides plot development} doesn't have MerDer, I get immensely upset. Since this update doesn't have any MerDer, I decided to post the other one right away...just so you don't feel the same way I do. :) good?**

**Enjoy! **

It felt like her world had stilled, ceased to move. She was far too shocked to do anything, the cock she was holding captive inside her hot mouth fell abandoned on Dr. Shepherd's stomach, ladded with saliva used as lubricant. His eys were still dark and glassed over, still in the sex fog but she was wide awake, sobered up by the scream that came from her bedroom door. She should've been more aware that they could possibly be caught, but she was so moved by another erotic experience of theirs that she pushed those thoughts far back...only now she was facing a shocked and livid Marybeth, her glasses hanging forgotten on the tip of her nose, Dr. Shepherd stripped down to his t-shirt and bare penis and she was naked. Butt naked in front of her mom-like person. Great.

"MB...I...I can explain," Meredith offered lamely.

"Oh, you can explain?! That's what y'all got to say about this mess?! Meredith Grey, I believe we raised you better than this! Do y'all know your age differences?! Do y'all know what you're getting yourselves into? So careless, so darn careless!", Marybeth ranted, much to the couple's dismay.

"Mary it's nothing like that...I...I promise we're not doing this lightly. I promise. It's okay," Meredith soothed, fighting back tears. She had no idea what else to offer at this point.

"I just caught you doing something I never imagined you would, especially not to your much older and very much unknown next door neighbor! How in the world is this okay, Meredith? How?", Marybeth shouted. She had never been as livid.

"He's not unknown...he's...uh...he's Dr. Shepherd," she threw back lamely. "We'll talk about this later, please MB...I'm begging you. Don't breathe a word of what you saw to anyone. Please."

"Oh, child... What in the world did you get yourself into? My sweet pea...", Marybeth trailed off, visibly upset. "Y'all get dressed. And you, Dr. Shepherd, I expect you gone from this propriety and for you to never set foot here anymore. Are we clear?"

Derek didn't say a word. He just picked up his discarded boxers and jeans, put them on and trotted out the door, down the stairs and slammed the front door loudly, making the sound echo on both women's ears. He clearly had some anger of his own. Marybeth couldn't help but frown at the sight of a very much older man leaving her little girl's bedroom half naked. She couldn't grasp what she had just seen, she was sure the sight hadn't registered yet. The anger flowing through her veins was accompanied by disappointment and hints of fear, fear for the princess she knew she raised and that was most likely about to get her heart broken for the first time. As parents, you never want your children to know any pain, but you also know you can't shield them for all of eternity. She just wished she hadn't rushed this process. She tried to snap out of it and direct her attention to Meredith.

"Now us, young lady. We have a lot to discuss. I have never in my life been so disappointed in you. Ever," Marybeth scolded.

"MB...I...I'm sorry," Meredith cried, the tears she held back were now falling freely from her green eyes. "It's not like that, Mary. I...I think I like him."

"Oh, sweet pea...", Marybeth breathed. She didn't expect this. "Why did you do this? You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. He's much older, darling, he wants different things out of life. He's not in high school, y'all are not on the same level here. Not even close."

"But don't you see? I don't care," Meredith sighed. "He just... Marybeth, he doesn't let me in. He gives me nothing. I look for a sweet word, some passion in our kisses but...he gives me nothing, MB. I don't know, I don't want to feel so deeply about someone who gives me so little."

Marybeth was taken aback by Meredith's open approach. She had expected some denying, expected her to be closed off and unwilling to breathe a word about whatever happened. If she really was being honest, she'd prefer it that way. "Meredith, I will not stand here and pretend I support whatever in the world is happening with both of you," Marybeth said sternly.

"But I'm not asking for anyone's support, much less anyone's blessing," Meredith defied. "I'm just asking for advice, MB. I think you owe me some guidance."

"Guidance? Child, you've never been intimate with a man before. People can see your naivety from a two thousand mile radius. He, on the other hand, oozes experience and confidence. He strode out of here, holding his...piece of meat...in his hand, tucking it in his boxers and pants in front of me like it's no one's darn business. It's too much for you," Marybeth sighed.

"Why don't you people let me decide what's good and what's not good for me?", Meredith snapped.

"Oh, sweet pea, there's no need to snap at me," Marybeth sighed. "I'm only looking out for you. I raised you. For all intents and purposes, I am your mother. I may not have given birth to you, suffered the horrors of childbirth but I did change your less than pleasant diapers, fed you when your mother was working. Patched up your scratched knees, bathed you and so on. I love you sweetheart and I want you to make the right decisions in life."

"I...I know, MB," Meredith frowned. "I'm trying. But you've got to let me do this. You've got to let me make some mistakes, if that's what this is."

"I...I should get on with supper," Marybeth stood up, clearly uncomfortable. "Do you want something special?"

"Oh...I...uh...anything's fine," Meredith breathed, clearly disappointed by the sudden change of topic.

"Okay," Marybeth said. "Freshen up, I'll have Ana prepare something nice and I'll call you when dinner's ready."

"Okay," Meredith sighed. This could've gone better. She couldn't believe she had been caught doing something like this, especially not by Marybeth. Even though she was shocked, she still expected some advice for her mom like person. She truly needed some guidance, but Marybeth was too angry to offer her anything but scolding. She was still reeling from her discovery, but Meredith wanted nothing more than for this to be a sick dream. She just needed to sleep and forget about the world tonight. Forgetting about Dr. Shepherd sounded good, too. She picked up the phone and decided to call her person, the only person that would probably not yell at her right now. She needed to call Cristina. After a couple of rings, her bestfriend's voice rang through the phone.

"Hello?"

"Cristina...hey," Meredith breathed.

"Hey Mer, what's up?"

"  
I just wanted to call you. Do...do I need to have an ulterior motive?", Meredith laughed nervously.

"Well, firstly...you're rambling. Secondly, you never call, you just show up. And you've been strangely absent around town lately so...yep. What's up?"

"I...I think I met someone."

"And? What's the problem with that? Unless it's that creepy neighbor of yours, Mer. He was cute when you guys were 5, but now...not so much."

"Who? Finn? He hasn't been around in nearly 3 years. And no...it's not him. It's...someone else. Completely different someone else."

"Well thank the Lord for that. So...are you going to make me get it out of you? Because you know that's not my thing. Just spill it, Mer."

"I...he's a neurosurgeon," Meredith threw out, fearfully.

"A neurosurgeon? You mean, over 30 years old? You mean, established doctor? You mean, way out of your league?"

"Yes...yes," Meredith breathed. "I...I'm lost. I know I should just give it up, walk away and forget I ever got into this mess. But every time I try to do that, or even think about it, I feel this strange tightness in my chest and I just can't. What should I do?"

"Well, firstly, how far did this get to? Little pecks? Platonic gazes at each other? Dreams? I need to know."

"I...we...we are kind of past that," Meredith stammered nervously. "Marybeth caught us tonight. He...it was not pretty. Definitely not something I wanted her to see. I'm still mortified."

"Marybeth caught you? Doing what, exactly? Oh Lord," Cristina breathed.

"I may have been naked...sucking him off," Meredith winced.

"Meredith! You were as pure as the driven snow the last time we hung out. You were untouched by men. You told me you wanted to wait until someone special came along. You come into town not long ago and suddenly you're this sexual expert, doing those things with someone way older than you...", Cristina trailed off.

"Cristina! If I wanted someone else to yell at me, I would have spoken to all the people around the house. I'm sure they'd be more than happy to bite my head off," Meredith hissed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it. What even drove you to do that?"

"I...I don't know. I just...there's something about him, Cristina. There's something about him, he has this darkness to him, I just want to know more and more about him. He doesn't even...I don't even know his name. He's just Dr. Shepherd."

"You are in so much trouble...but I have to say, I'm thoroughly impressed. Truly. Does he know about your age differences?"

"Yeah, I told him tonight. It was...it was bad. He was pissed."

"Yet he let you wrap your lips around his cock. Wow. Real nice way to show his emotions. Men...", Cristina hissed.

"What should I do, Cristina? Should I just give him up? Should I try to stop this?"

"I don't think you can, Mer. I definitely think this is a less than ideal situation and you should have never gotten yourself into it in the first place, but since everything's said and done now...you shouldn't give it up. You clearly can't, and I know you wouldn't, even if I advised you to. You're just way over your head here, but it is what it is," Cristina breathed.

"I know...I know. But it's hard. It's hard when the world's against you. Deep down, I know this is wrong, I know this is beyond wrong. Marybeth went as far as forbidding him to set foot here again. If she knew I'm moving forward with this, she'd flip out."

"Yeah... Mer, I don't know. I honestly...you threw me for a loop here. But you should do what makes you happy. You're not hurting anyone, you're just pursuing what you think is good for you. Nothing wrong with that, in my eyes."

"Thanks, Cris...thank you," Meredith breathed. "It's good to have someone on my side."

As Cristina yelped her reply, Meredith looked out the window and caught sight of Dr. Shepherd leaving his house. He looked up and met her stare, his eyes blazing with fire and his lips set in a tight, harsh line, similar to the one he wore the day their eyes first locked. He looked away, moving slowly to his Porsche Cayenne and sped off the driveway...and all Meredith wished was that she was sitting in the passenger seat, her left hand firmly tucked in his right one.


	9. Fools Like Me

**Like I promised, here is the next update. Consider it a part two. ;)**

**Heads up: next update is really dear to my heart. Y'all can probably guess what it's about. ;p hope I did it justice. **

**In the meantime, enjoy!**

A week and a half had passed since that hellish experience. Meredith and Marybeth were speaking, but it was nothing more than an awkward exchange of two simple words, mostly about meals and whatnot. Dr. Shepherd had been avoiding Meredith at all costs, too, especially when Meredith stopped by to talk to him only to ring the bell and get no response, despite seeing his Porsche Cayenne safely parked on his driveway. He was avoiding her, and it was a slap in the face. Another one. After two or three visits, all resulting in the same outcome, she stopped ringing his bell, looking over her window every night, waiting hidden behind the fences of her gate for him to walk outside. She stopped embarrassing herself for someone who seemingly didn't give a crap about her. She had cried herself to sleep almost every night after that encounter while Manny had pushed and pressed for an answer, for anything that would tell him what happened. Ana did the same, although she had some suspitions of her own, most steering towards the charming doctor living next door. She had always been the most intuitive one.

Meredith had never felt something similar to what one would call heartbreak. She had laughed it off, belittled those who complained from the aching of a broken heart but now she was feeling it too...and in full force. She felt humiliated, rejected and broken for the man who she had never gone beyond a few kisses and oral sex with. Still the deep connection they shared was undeniable to her, and she only hoped he felt it too. What a fool. All the if's and but's were tearing her mind apart, so much that she never once wanted to venture outside except to wait by his doorstep. How pathetic am I, she thought. Cursing her weakness, she descended the stairs and was adamant to return to her normal life, a life without Dr. Shepherd but hopefully something that would make her summer in Las Flores better for different reasons. She was just out the door, saying her goodbye's to Manny and Ana when she opened her gate and immediately caught sight of her old neighbor, Finn Dandrige. She and Finn had spent most summers together as kids, they had had many playdates at each other's houses and had ran across the fields of Las Flores giggling, mingling with the animals and playing hide and seek under the Californian sun. He had always been a good friend, even when they had grown out of the whole playing with each other phase. He still drove her to get ice cream or to the town mall at times as they caught up with life; Meredith telling him all about New York while Finn rambled about life in Seattle and his quest to open a veterinary clinic. So when she saw him cross the street for the first time in 3 years, she was gobsmacked.

Time had been good to him. He had a rugged appearance, his green eyes shone under the July sun, his dirty blonde hair looked polished and perfectly trimmed, his lean figure, albeit less athletic than Dr. Shepherd's, stood firmly tucked beneath his green shirt and olive pants. He was definitely quite a sight. She quickly closed the gate and let out a small shout, calling out for her friend.

"Finn!", she grinned.

"Meredith, oh my God, is that you?", Finn grinned widely, clearly appreciating the way her curves were on display in her blue dress. He moved towards her, enveloping her in a tight hug her, his hands roaming her body.

"Well I suppose so," Meredith giggled.

"You look great! I missed you very much. I'm sorry I couldn't make it to Las Flores for the past three summers, but I've been helping my dad out with our veterinary clinic, he's thinking of retiring soon and I can pick up where he leaves off," Finn said excitedly.

"Oh that sounds amazing, you've always been so great with animals," Meredith smiled. She really missed her friend and her childhood memories with him.

"I know," Finn smiled, while pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "We need to catch up! Are you free right now? We could grab some ice cream or something. My car is over there."

"As a matter of fact, yes, I'm free right now and I'd love to catch up with you," Meredith smiled. Perfect timing to get her mind off things.

"Perfect. Wait here while I go get the car around," Finn grinned, carressing her cheek with his thumb.

"Okay," she grinned back, touching the place where his thumb had been.

She instinctively looked up to Dr. Shepherd's house, a ritual she had engaged in for the past week and a half, waiting to catch any sign that he was there or watching her. She let out a sharp gasp when she saw his figure looking down on her from a window, his eyes stone cold and his lips stuck in a thin, hard line, jealousy spewing out of his blue orbs. She was taken aback by the fire blazing in his eyes, it could take out Finn if their stares every collided. She stood frozen in place until she heard a loud honking followed by Finn's voice.

"Hey, hop in, can't wait to hear from you," Finn grinned.

"Oh...I...me too," she smiled, a little hesitantly.

"Something wrong?", Finn frowned.

"Oh, no, everything's fine. I'm really excited," she covered up, smiling broadly, hoping to throw him off.

"Good, me too," he smiled as Meredith got into the passenger seat of his Mercedes and he drove off.

"So, tell me, how's New York? Left your love there?", Finn started, hoping to hear if this gorgeous woman was available.

"Oh...I...no, I'm single," she stammered nervously, images of a very jealous and very pissed off Dr. Shepherd flooded her brain. "I'm available. And New York's fine."

"That's great, well, you know...I'm single too," Finn winked, clearly flirting.

"Oh...that's good," Meredith smiled. She didn't know what to say.

"Yeah... I guess it's good we found each other again," Finn smiled. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was good she found Finn. Maybe he could push Dr. Shepherd off her mind and her heart. Maybe.

* * *

A few hours later, Derek stood in his garden, nursing a cold glass of scotch and looking over his relatively small fence. He could see the world from there, having a priviledged view of the whole street. Breathtaking for the most part, but not when he saw Finn's Mercedes pull into the deserted street. The sun had long set in the sky, only a few heat waves here and then proved just how hot today had been. The orange color filling the sky could very well be a sign that another hot day was preparing to come along tomorrow, but he could only think about what could've happened on their little date. Did she kiss him? Did she let him roam her ample curves the way he had a few days ago? Did she give in to his very clear advances towards her? All these thoughts made Derek's stomach do somersaults, twisting into a tight knot that couldn't be broken no matter how hard he tried to fight the bile rising in his throat. He wasn't this man. He never allowed himself to feel anything but an erection, the feel of his member rising to the occasion. Now love? That's a foreign feeling...a feeling he wasn't sure he'd ever want to feel. Too much hassle, he thought. But Meredith brought on these unsettling emotions, and even more so when she was tightly gripping that bastard's hand.

"So I had a good time," he heard her sigh. He instantly tensed even more than before.

"Me too," he saw his cheeky grin. God, he wanted to murder the bastard.

"I guess I'll...um...see you around, right? You'll be here for the summer?", she asked. He hated that she sounded hopeful, probably wanting to see him again. She should only want to see him.

"Yep. You know where I live... Why don't you pop by tomorrow so we can grab a cup of coffee or something? Maybe hit my pool," Finn suggested, just as hopeful.

"Sure, I'd love that," Meredith smiled, just as Derek caught sight of Finn leaning dangerously close to her mouth, begging silently for a kiss. And that's when his stomach dropped down to his feet. She met his leaning, pressing his rosey lips to his hard ones, in a quick peck that hurt nonetheless. He couldn't believe his eyes. How could she do such intimate things with him and then run off into the arms of another man just like that? He couldn't understand.

"So... I guess I'll see you tomorrow?", Meredith smiled.

"Yeah...uh...thanks," Finn breathed, licking his lips.

"You're welcome," Meredith giggled, albeit with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. Betrayal? Why did she feel like she was cheating on Dr. Shepherd?

"Bye," Finn said, leaning in for another quick kiss. Derek wanted to beat the guy to a pulp with his bare hands. Or bring a scalpel to his throat. Whichever inflicted more pain. He saw Finn drive down to his house and just as Meredith was fishing for her keys, he hopped off his chair and crossed the pavement to her house. He wanted some explaining.

"Why did you kiss him?", Derek asked, taking her by surprise, his tone cold, harsh and so sharp it could cut through glass.

"Dr...Dr. Shepherd," Meredith breathed. Well, well, well...

* * *

Meredith had a great afternoon. She and Finn had stopped by her favorite Gelato parlor, got some strawberry ice cream for her and chocolate for him. They caught up on the weather in Seattle, the fact her mother remained the same bitch as always, his upcoming gig as a Practice owner, school and love. Love, especially. Finn kept pushing and pushing, dropping not so subtle hints that he too was available and more than interested, all she had to do was breathe a word. She was torn. While she loved hanging out with Finn, reminiscing on their summers in Las Flores, running up the canyon and bathing in the lake nearby, she couldn't get Dr. Shepherd out of her mind. It was useless, stupid to even try. She had to, though. She had to try to push the doctor out of her mind, for her sake and for everyone else's. She was sure Marybeth would be ecstatic to hear about her date-like experience with Finn since she had loved the kid ever since he came with Meredith for supper all those years ago. She'd surely love him more than Dr. Shepherd, she still winced every time Ana mentioned anything related to him. So yes, all things considered, Finn was a great option. A great catch. But Meredith didn't believe in settling, she didn't believe in stringing someone along just waiting for Mr. Right to appear, especially not if she had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach he had already made his first appearance and was living discretly next door.

All these thoughts invaded her mind, running at a speed of two thousand lightning bolts when she heard the brisk voice of the person plaguing her every thought. Dr. Shepherd.

"Why did you kiss him?", Dr. Shepherd asked, his tone cold and harsh.

"Dr...Dr. Shepherd," she stammered.

"Why did you kiss him, Meredith?", he demanded, clearly angry.

"I don't believe that's any of your business. It stopped being such thing when you up and left me last week, so get lost," Meredith snapped.

"Oh no. You don't get to dismiss me like that, Meredith, not after everything," he breathed, angrily.

"Dismiss you?! Dismiss you?! Are you kidding me? You dismissed me. You walked out. You ignored me. Not me," Meredith shouted, her eyes misty. "I chased you. I let go of my pride, my dignity and risked humiliation, banging on your door, abusing your doorbell, looking out for any sign, every possible sign from you, but none came. None. You have no right to stand here, no right whatsoever."

Derek was taken aback. He saw fire in her eyes, steam was virtually coming out of her ears. He felt something foreign to him: guilt. He felt guilty for hurting such a beautiful woman, for tainting her idea of what a first love should be...wait, no. Not love. Infatuation. What infatuation should be. He felt guilty, so guilty. Too guilty to utter some coherent words.

"I...I just...Mer, I'm sorry," he breathed. He never apologized.

"Yeah, well, too late," Meredith said. "Finn's great and we..."

"Do not mention his name in my presence," Derek seethed. It was like she had stuck a knife in his heart and twisted it around.

"Why? Because he's willing to give me what I want from you? I don't think so. Finn is a great guy. He wants to be with me. He doesn't play me. He won't leave me," Meredith tested him.

"I can't give you what you want, Meredith," Derek said sadly.

"Why? Do you know what I want? You have no idea what I want. I just want to know you. I don't even know your name," Meredith frowned.

"I don't know for sure what you expect from me, but I have a vague idea. You probably want a house with a picket fence, a dog, the doctor coming home to you every night, taking you around the world, some hot sex and marriage in the horizon. Am I getting warm?"

"You...no... That's not it at all!"

"Well then enlighten me, because you don't strike me as someone I'd go for. You want something deeper than sex, and I can't offer you that. Not a chance."

"I just want you. I have no dreams of white picket fences, no dreams of exchanging keys or toothbrushes, I don't even know if I want to get married. Why in the world do you label me in that manner? So rudely, too. I don't think I deserve such treatment from you."

"Meredith...you have to understand..."

"No, you have to understand. You have to understand I'm not going to go away that easily...but I'm not gonna stick around forever. Finn's here and he's willing and I..."

"Don't. Don't say that!"

"Why?! Because he's willing to be there and give himself to me fully?"

"Meredith, I...I can't give you what you want. You may think you will simply want to know me, and sure, it'll be fun. We'll fool around here and then, but you'll eventually want love. And me...I'm not capable of giving you love. I'm only as good as the sex I can give," Derek whispered.

"But...just... You're planning ahead. Just take it slow. We'll take it slow," she smiled. "Just...leap, okay?"

Derek looked deeply into her eyes, the green orbs were surrounded by shades of red, the tears almost bursting the dam, telling him she'd let go of them the second she was in the privacy of her own room. He couldn't say yes. He couldn't leap. He was too broken, he couldn't risk breaking her too. She was far too young to go down with him, he was nothing more than an anchor holding her down, stopping her from moving forward with her life. She looked so beautiful, though, looking up at him, patiently waiting for an 'yes' with baited breath.

"Mer...I...I have to go," Derek whispered. He went to turn around, but he stopped dead in his tracks, walked back to her and crashed his lips on hers. He pulled her body to his, sneaking his right hand behind her neck, pulling her even closer while his tongue gained entrance into her mouth. He pinned her to the fence, both hands resting on either side of her head as he pulled away and looked at her, a smile gracing his features.

"Derek," he whispered and moved to go back to his house, leaving her standing there with an empty look in her eyes, feeling as defeated as ever. He had to go. He just went. Gone.

_Derek..._


	10. Come Away With Me

**Hello there, you pretty people! :) ****Hope everyone is doing awesome today!**

**This chapter was very special for me to write, and also quite painful, like it always is when you reminisce about fond memories you have no control over anymore... Nevertheless, hopefully this chapter pleases you and I hope you enjoy it just as much as I enjoyed writing it!**

**Sending everyone lots of love and hugs and big thank you balloons and confetti for the reviews I've gotten! I love each and every one of you! You guys rock my world! :) xox**

Derek couldn't stop thinking about her. Out of all his previous relationships, which he was pretty sure shouldn't be called that, he'd never been as crazy about any of them to the point of worrying himself sick that maybe, just maybe, he'd screwed everything up. He felt like shit, going out of his mind, playing every possible scenario in his head but none actually led to them being together and in love. He just couldn't, no matter how much he wanted her. He kept writing it off as lust, a need for each other, pleasing one another sexually but nothing deeper...nothing that would reach the depths of love. The wheels in his mind kept spinning madly, and the third glass of scotch was fast gone. He thought that drinking from the bottle would be easier than filling it up every 5 minutes. He kept looking out the window, waiting to see Finn's car pull over in front of her house, where she'd get off, looking as beautiful as ever after another one of their dates. It had been yet another week since that fateful conversation, and none of them had reached out. Not even her. He took it as a sign her persistence was wearing thin, and he was too frozen to fight back with some of his own.

Finn kept asking her out, and she kept on agreeing. Every time they stepped out, she looked more beautiful than the day before, her smile a little bit wider, her clothes a little bit shorter and tighter, a sign that she might be considering giving him access to her most prized asset. No, Derek thought. She wouldn't do such thing. Ever since Meredith confessed her virginal status, Derek had always figured he'd be the one to make love to her...wait, not love. To have sex with her for the first time. It just seemed like natural progression. He took such fact for granted, being thrown for a loop when her servant had walked in on them a couple weeks back. Everything shifted. They became these awkward people, he closed himself off inside his villa while she chased him desperately, but he never reached out to her...and when he did, things took a turn for the worse. If that's even possible.

All thoughts vanished when the famous noise of his brand new Mercedes ran peacefully up the street of Las Flores Canyon, signaling their date had ended. 12:37am. They were coming home later and later every day, probably meaning their conversations or otherwise were running longer, too. All these thoughts were plaguing his mind and he decided to step away from the window, instead moving towards his bedroom after shutting the living room windows tightly. He was done.

He moved towards his bed, sitting down facing the window. The large oak tree swayed to the peaceful breeze felt in the tiny town, cooling off the bedroom lightly. He was so absorbed in his self pity that he didn't hear footsteps coming over the stairs, nor did he hear his bedroom door creak open.

"You left your gate unlocked," Meredith whispered.

Derek inhaled sharply. How dare she. How dare she show up in his home after going out with that man? He swallowed his sharp gasp at the unexpected visit, not wanting to show her his surprise at her presence.

"What are you doing here, Meredith?", he said, not bothering to turn around and face her.

"I came to see you. I didn't expect your gate to be open but it was so I just let myself in."

"No, what are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to go back to his house? Maybe have some fun of your own."

"Derek...don't be like this, please," she begged. "Please."

"Like what? Pissed off? Well I'm so sorry for the inconvinience, Meredith," he snorted. "Now I'd love to be alone, so if you could just let yourself out..."

"No, Derek, we need to talk about this. Let's not go back to the silence that we've been living under for the past week...yet again."

"We have nothing to talk about. You talk that talk but don't walk the walk. You say you want to know me, but you're off with that...man...every night. That hardly strikes me as someone wanting me."

"You don't reach out to me either, Derek! Don't put the blame on me. Don't you dare."

"No, don't you dare show up here after kissing that man and doing God knows what else with him. That's not fair to anyone. You can't have both. Not that you ever did anyway. I'm unavailable. Yet you pursue me," he snorted with disdain.

"How can you think so low of me?"

"How can I not? You knew me what? A day? And you were already engaging in less than pleasant activities with me."

"So what are you saying? Are you calling me a whore?", she choked out, tears welling up in her eyes. Derek sensed the sudden change of tone and turned around to see that her eyes were indeed misty, her shoulders slumped. He did that to her.

"Mer...I...no," he soothed, walking up to her. "I'm sorry."

"No! Let go of me. I'm sorry you do think so low of me. This was a mistake. I'll go," she seethed. "Enjoy your pity party."

"No!", Derek shouted, grabbing hold of her arm. "You're not going anywhere."

"Says who? Let go of me, you brute!"

"No," Derek whispered as he crashed his lips against hers, his tongue immediately seeking hers, sucking on it gently but forcefully at the same time.

"Oh", Meredith moaned. She didn't expect this. She threaded her fingers in his hair, her mouth tasting the scotch he had knocked back earlier. She pulled away. "Have you been drinking, Derek?"

"I...I couldn't stop thinking about you," he confessed, his eyes going straight to his shoes.

"Oh Derek...", she started, her hands going immediately to his hair again, moving in a soothing motion, almost as if she was calming a baby, telling him it's okay to feel this way. She then resumed the passionate kiss they were engaged on, Derek suddenly taking control and pushing her back towards his bed. He gently laid her down, her perfect hair framing his pillow and went on to lather her face and neck with little kisses, gently helping her on a sitting position so he could take her top off. With her help, the top came off fairly easily and Derek took his time to appreciate what was underneath the thin fabric. The lavender lacey bra concealed the beautiful, perfect breasts he had seen too little of, them too dying to spill out of the harsh cups. He felt his length rise more and more, working itself up to its greatest potential around this beautiful creature.

"Mer...I...you're gorgeous," he breathed. He had never complimented any woman like that. He never even took the time out of his frenetic sex moves to appreciate who he was engaging in such a carnal experience with. This time he did...and he was rendered breathless.

"Thank you," she blushed. She didn't expect such sincerity in his words or such adoration in his touch. This was a different Derek, this was a Derek she could very well get used to. His fingers went to her back, unclasping the lace bra and he watched her breasts fall free, like water cascading down the most beautiful rocks. She was truly breathtaking, especially when she stood in front of him, prey to his hungry eyes, willing to help him satisfy his need for her. She was willing, and he was lost. Lost in her beauty, the sensual moves clouded his brain, his judgment. He was so mesmerized by this woman in front of him that he almost missed the scared look on her face, the vulnerability working itself up towards the surface. All the confidence displayed in those earlier moves was clearly vanishing, and in came the insecurity of someone who has never been intimate with anyone before, who has never crossed the great road towards love making.

He needed to remind himself to breathe, to think about her needs before his own. What really scared him, though, was just how he was doing it already. He wanted her to feel at peace with him, to feel safe and warm in his arms. He reached out to touch her breasts, cupping them both at first, slowly but firmly, allowing her to get used to the feel of his rough yet gentle hands caressing such precious mounds. "Oh...Derek...oh," she moaned. He could tell she was hyper sensitive to every touch, to every move he made. He shifted them, so his back was resting on the padded headboard while Meredith straddled his lap, letting her feel his erection, the ultimate signal of his arousal for her. He leaned down to capture a nipple, gingerly making his mouth its home, going from licking the already hardened peak to sucking the rosy nipple vigorously, looking up every once in a while to see her eyes rolled back in her head, her hands resting on his raven curls, massaging his scalp.

She felt overwhelming pleasure. His hot mouth was doing wonders to her nipples, she could feel his tongue flicking her nipple gently and such action sent the most erotically beautiful aching straight to her core. She rocked her hips against his experimentally, instantly groaning at the pleasurable friction. "Oh God, Mer...", she could hear him moan against her nipple. Mer. She would never get tired of that nickname, nor would she bore of his adoring tone. She was in heaven, if there was such thing. She started moving her hips faster, his own meeting hers halfway. She could feel the bed rocking up and down, her feet planted on his sides and his warm hands roaming her back. She was so turned on.

He pulled himself away from her sinfully delicious breasts, his head foggy and his eyes hazy due to the friction Meredith was inflicting on them. Never would he think dry fucking someone would turn him on this bad, but the way Meredith so innocently rocked her hips against his made the slightest thing turn into the most erotic experience of all. He relunctantly lifted her off his lap and moved to undo his jeans, while she took his hint and promptly removed her own pants. They were left in nothing but their boxers and panties, and Derek pulled her back in his lap only to inch his hand between them and rub her through her panties. The minute his finger reached its destination, it was instantly met with delicious wetness bursting through the creamy panties. She was definitely turned on. He sneakily pushed the fabric aside and ran his finger up her slit. "Oh God, oh God," she attempted to shout, only it came out as a moan. His fingers were almost instantly smeared with her juices, and his thumb tentively reached for her swollen clit, throbbing painfully. "Does this feel good, Meredith? Do you like my fingers there? Do you like what this big man is doing to you?", he moaned, surprising himself. Not that he wasn't one to bring out some occasional dirty talk, but the feeling behind this was totally different. His primal instincts were coming out, wanting to bring her the utmost pleasure...and only he should be able to do it. He wanted her, and he needed her to want him just as bad.

"Oh Derek...oh," she gasped, just as his middle finger reached inside her opening, moving up and down, instantly tainted by her delicious juices. He pulled the finger out while he moved to push her panties down, leaving her bare in front of him. Her dirty blonde curls begging for attention, as her fingers flew to his boxers. He sat up, helping her push them down and his iron rod stood proudly once again. He figured it didn't take much for him to be that aroused around her, and he smiled to himself when a look of utter pleasure crossed her eyes upon seeing his steely rod. Maybe she was reminiscing about that time she had it in her mouth...he knew he was. What a great blowjob that was. Without a moment's notice, Meredith was grasping his sensitive shaft, her delicately long fingers running up and down, her perfectly shaped fingernails scrapping gently his veiny member. She bent down while leaning her head towards the same direction, tentively licking the velvety head and instantly gaining some more than pleasant moans and groans from the man she was currently pleasing to no end.

"Meredith...God, don't stop," he whispered. He cursed the fact he couldn't muster the strength to let out a big animalistic grunt, but she was so deliciously talented and he was so gone. She started bobbing her head up and down in a furiously frantic pace, her saliva running down his shaft and some tiny droplets of pre-cum were already gracing her mouth. She continuously worked him to his peak, her hands now flying to his balls and groping them with such gentle yet forceful tugs. He felt the orgasm curl from deep within his testicles and work itself up to her perfect mouth until he saw black. He blew such a big load. His penis was going in and out of Meredith's mouth, fucking her, stretching her lips to the extreme. He kept thrusting in and out absentmindly but next thing he knew, Meredith was forcefully lapping all of the white creamy mess, some of it running freely from her mouth, pouring out of her pink, swollen lips...just like last time. And just like last time, Meredith pulled her hands from his balls to run her index finger through her lips, pushing the delicious essence of him into her mouth, sliding it down her expectant throat. He still tasted delicious and she was positively addicted.

Derek rested his head against the padded headboard. He was still coming down from his high, but she was already looking him dead in the eye, like a deer lost in the woods. She needed him to take the next step, to take control. He nodded, understanding the thoughts in her head even when no words were spoken. He moved to reach his bedside drawer, rumming through the contents until he saw the unopened box of condoms. Mark had given them to him some days before he left, but Derek never thought he'd have any use for them. After all, living in a town where people are hardly under 60 years old had its price and it would surely take his toll on his sex life. Not now. Now, he had the most beautiful young girl in front of him, willing to please him and discover the depths of sexual intercourse. He opened the box, ripped out a package and slowly tore it open, all while she eyed him carefully and awaited his next move with baited breath.

Just as the package came undone and the latex graced his palm, he tore his eyes away from the barrier that would separate his bare penis from her walls and looked her in the eye, hesitating for a brief moment. He had never had sex with a virgin...even when he himself lost his virginity, the girl had been experienced. He was worried that she'd regret such intimate moment. "Meredith...are you sure you want to do this?", he asked, waiting for her reply with fear in his eyes. He wasn't sure he could let her walk out the door in the state he was in.

"Yes...Derek, I want this. I know it'll hurt but I trust you. I feel safe with you," she breathed, her cheeks a slight crimson shade, her eyes a deep green. He needed no further invitation. He watched her eyes never leave his cock while he rolled the condom on, the latex covering his penis fully. He put his arms around her waist, carefully laying her down on his bed, her soft blonde hair framed his pillow perfectly. Her eyes were halfway closed or halfway open, either way they were hazy and expectant. He positioned himself between her legs, nudging them apart with his knees. Her pink center was on display and shone lightly amidst the faint light coming from the bedroom window. Her clit taunted him, begged him to take it in his mouth, but he knew he had bigger business to attend to. He reached a finger between them, spreading her folds apart and played with her clit, teasing her entrance point. His cock stood tall, clearly waiting anxiously for a release, but he needed to get her up and ready to accomodate such large visitor. When he felt her fingers get soaked with her essence, the scent that floated in the room, he inched closer to her entrace and slid his head inside her virginal opening. She closed her eyes.

"Oh...", they both gasped out at the same time. Derek eyed Meredith carefully, her eyes closed and her skin flushed. He hoped he wouldn't hurt her too much when his full length entered her walls. He decided to move, pushing inch by inch inside her, and the pain hit her. He felt her nails dig his back painfully, her eyes shut close, her nose scrunched. "Oh Mer... Mer... Open your eyes," he coaxed. "Open them for me." She tried to blink them open, but the pain was too great. "Are...are you all the way in?", she gasped out. "No," he said. "Do you want me to stop?". Meredith's eyes flew open at that statement, her head shook vigorously. "No! No. It'll be okay," she attempted to smile. "Just keep moving, okay?"

Derek nodded his head. He knew this was hurting her, he knew this wasn't going to be good for her. But he kept going, because he knew she was happy that it was him. It was him she was losing her virginity to. He started rocking back and forth, playing with her clit for a little while, flicking it gently as his whole length penetrated her. She cried out, anguish mixed with a certain hint of pleasure. He took that as a sign the pain was beginning to lessen, and the pleasure was resurfacing. He prayed that was it. He felt like a selfish ass when he realized his orgasm was already making its way up his shaft, and he knew a couple more pumps would see him shoot his seed into the condom. But then he heard her.

"De...Derek," she gasped out, rocking her hips experimentally. The friction she felt was too good to put into words, the feel of his thick shaft nestled inside her was amazing. The pain was still there, she saw glimpses of it every now and then, especially when he reached bigger depths but the overwhelming pangs were mostly gone, and only left behind a dull ache. She looked at him, his eyes glazed over, the sea blue was replaced by a stormy shade, his eyes darker than ever. His skin was wet with perspiration, a single curl hung forgotten by his forehead. He was biting his lip while pumping gently into her, and she reached out to fist the sheets. She tried to move faster over him, meeting his thrusts halfway and he heard him groan, noticibly reaching his climax.

"Meredith!," he shouted as he emptied his hot, white semen into the condom. He was so spent. She brushed the lone curl off his forehead and ran her fingertips over his wet cheeks. The sweat mixed with the smell of sex was intoxicating. "Oh God," he gasped. He rolled off her, his now flaccid penis still accomodated the filled up condom. He tried to catch his breath, laid down on the pillow next to Meredith. "You...you didn't...", he frowned, embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"Derek. It's okay. I liked it. It was good...given the circumstances," she smiled. "It'll be better. Next time."

"Yeah. Next time," he attempted to smile and shake off the feeling of uneasiness in the pit of his stomach. Would there be a next time? All the thoughts running through his head vanished at the sound of her delicate voice.

"Sleep?", she yawned, her naked body curling up to his.

"Oh...", he gasped, feeling her warmth and her arms sneak around his torso. "Yeah. Yeah. Sleep."

"Night," she whispered, as his fingers moved up and down her arm, caressing it.

He had a lot to think about. Could he make her happy?

* * *

_Come away with me, come away with me_

_It's never too late, it's not too late_

_It's not too late for you_

_Open up your heart and let me in..._


	11. Storm

**Hi there, my little cherry pies! Hope everyone is doing fab today...or at least better than me. :s I've been really sick for the past couple of days so writing has been hard because all I wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep! :)**

**Babies, I'm sorry to bestow such dark {well, dark by the standards of this fic ... nothing too depressing. Or maybe I can't really say dark because I've read so many dark updates from other fics and this doesn't compare...but you know. I may or may not be rambling} update on you all today, especially when it's so sunny and warm and beautiful outside... :( BUT it has got to be done, and it'll for sure lead to beautiful and lovely things. McDreamy will appear soon...because who doesn't need a little McDreamy every once in a while? {okay, always. shhhh}**

**Also, it's the end of banked updates, which means it's also going to be the end of daily updates for the most part...but as soon as I have the rest written {I'm halfway there}, y'all will get them. Hope this story isn't losing its momentum or you guys are losing interest. :( as always, review!**

**Enjoy. :)**

6:38am. He rolled over to face the alarm clock sitting in his bedside drawer, the white lights signaling the time blinding his much too sensitive eyes. It took a moment for Derek to gather his surroundings, and he gasped quietly when he felt the unfamiliar human warmth pressed next to his usually cold body. He feared what he might see if he let his gaze fall down below, resting on the soft, silky hair currently tickling his broad chest, or even the delicate porcelain arms wrapped safely around his muscled torso. He sighed deeply, unsure of where to go from there. His mind was reeling. He was kicking himself mentally for allowing things to get this far, cursing his lack of self control, hating the fact he ignored the many red flags that popped up in his mind the second he rolled the condom on. He had taken her virginity, he had had access to her most prized asset. While he couldn't imagine anyone else having that same priviledge, he still felt guilty for stringing such a special girl along. Bringing himself down? That was fine. Stringing a random fuck along for a while? All good. But not Meredith. Not someone who clearly believed in love, whose touch held such urgency, such adoration and love. Even though he was lost in her charm yesterday, he knew nothing had changed. He was still the same cold, dead man inside.

The aftermath was hitting him hard and fast. He tilted his head to the side, taking in the view from his window. The same oak tree he saw yesterday, completely drenched in moonlight as she entered his room was now basking in the warm glow of the rising sun. He knew it was time for her to go. Her servants would be up any second now, they'd notice her absence and clearly blame him for it. He couldn't believe things had gone this far, he still couldn't believe her servant had caught them all those weeks ago. It still felt unreal. The uneasiness in his stomach refused to vanish, and he found himself wishing to just let these heavy thoughts go, share them with somebody. Somebody like his brother. He knew he was already up, so he moved slowly out of the bed, careful not to wake her up, tucked her beneath the soft, cotton sheets. He pulled his boxers on and made his way downstairs, opening the sliding door to the porch. He was instantly hit with a comforting rush of morning warmth, just the right breeze flowing as the doors slid open. He quickly sat down on his lounge chair and dialed Mark's number, somewhat unsure of what he'd say, but completely certain his brother's voice would at least soothe him. After two or three rings, he heard his brother's rough voice on the other line.

"Shep! I thought you'd disappeared from the face of the Earth," his brother teased.

"Mark... No. I've just been busy," he curtly replied.

"No need to be brisk with me, man. You know how much you really missed me. There's no denying that fact, dude," he could practically see Mark's grin on the other end.

"Yeah, yeah," Derek rolled his eyes. "How are things around home?"

"Oh, same old, same old. Nothing to get your panties in a twist about. Ma's still Ma, pressing me every chance she gets to spill the beans on you. She's pretty pissed that you don't pick up the phone or at least call back...which you should probably do, because I really can't take much more bitchiness," Mark groaned.

"I know. It's just been busy," he shrugged, hoping he'd buy it. "And the girls?"

"Yeah right. The girls are fine. Nance and Kath are the same boring ass ones as always. I suspect Ems may be pregnant again, but maybe I've just been around those girls all my life. Swear those women pop out kids like it's going out of style," Mark groaned. "Amy is...Amy. I'm not sure she's out of trouble yet, but you know. I'm trying to watch out for her the best I can, and the other ones, too."

Derek felt tears rush to his eyes. Mark's watching out for them, not him. He ran. He packed up his stuff and left his sisters and his mother behind. His mother, who was worrying herself sick. It wasn't right...but at the same time, it was desperately necessary. He needed a break, and he was getting one. Or at least from his family. Las Flores was revealing to be a whole lot of bother in its own right.

"Listen, Mark...I think I need your help," Derek sighed.

"Did I hear that right? The great Derek Shepherd, on the fast track to become the greatest neurosurgeon America has even seen, the greatest gift to women...obviously according to yourself as God's gift to woman is yours truly but...you need help?"

"No need to gloat, Mark," Derek snapped. "Just get your fucking head out of your ass and be my brother. I need my brother."

"Man...sorry. What's up?"

"I met someone," Derek sighed.

"You met someone? Is she hot?"

"Can we stay on topic here?"

"Sorry, man. Stronger than me. So okay, you met someone. I'm failing to see the problem."

"She...she's seventeen, Mark."

"Seventeen?! Dude, no. Stay away from that. Nuh uh. Too much trouble. Don't go there. She's not even legal yet!"

"I know!", Derek snapped. "Don't you think I know that?!"

"Well, then there you have it. You know that, so walk away. Simple as that."

"Yeah Mark, real fucking genius. I'm...I'm in way too deep here."

"What do you mean, way too deep? Did you dip your pen in her ink?", Mark chuckled.

"I...", Derek trailed off, the silence he let on clearly woke Mark up.

"Dude! You did! No way... She's seventeen! Not even I would go there", Mark gasped.

"Mark, I know! It's just...it's stronger than me. There's this pull, she pulls me in and I can't withdraw, I can't pull back."

"Well clearly, you went all the way," Mark chuckled.

"I...I was her first," he admitted quietly.

"You deflowered her? Man, this keeps on getting better," Mark whistled.

"It's not like that. Don't cheapen this, Mark. Damn it! I just...I can't give her more than this. She deserves more than some quick fucks."

"Dude, I don't know her. I can't really help you. Manhattan, remember? You're springing this on me, I'm still wrapping my mind around the fact you did this."

"She's...she's sweet. She's got this tiny ounce of confidence masked by this clearly overpowering innocence. I first saw her when she came back to town, she drove past me and I...I swear I was taken aback by her beauty. Things progressed from there. I didn't know she was seventeen until she told me one night, the same night one of her servants caught her mouth on my dick."

"Dude! No way! Shit. You really are in too deep. What happened?"

"Well, the woman told me to kick it and to never set foot on their property ever again. Meredith, however, chased me and last night... We just... It was special, Mark. And I never say this crap. You know I can't feel anything but the orgasms. I don't even fucking cuddle but here I am, putting my ass on the line for a girl. How pathetic am I?", Derek sighed.

"Meredith...nice. It's like I'm hearing this freak story about a man I don't recognize. Dude...my advice would be to end it. This is way too weird, man. She's too young, she'd eventually be a thorn on your side. You need to focus on your career, get yourself together and come back home. To Manhattan. Remember? New York City? Don't think you can bring the princess here, either."

"Yeah...don't suppose I can. I...maybe you're right. Maybe we should just cut off all ties before it goes too far...or farther than it already has."

"Yeah, I agree. There's just too much shit going on already, man. You need to focus on Ma and the girls. Don't get yourself into something like that."

Derek was about to pitch in his reply when he heard the door slid open. He kept his back to her, but he could smell her unique scent stepping closer and closer to him. "Mark...I...I've gotta go. I'll call you back," Derek whispered into the phone, disconnecting the call. He felt her hands sneak around his sides, running them up and down in a somewhat soothing motion. He inhaled sharply, clearly not ready to do what he knew he needed to do. It didn't matter if it was the right thing to do, it still cut right through him like a sharp knife. He felt like the biggest ass in the world...but, in all fairness, that clearly was a pattern in his life. He got used to his less than stellar personality, but he hated to hurt her. He couldn't stomach that, but he had to. He had to be strong for both of them.

"Meredith...we need to talk," he sighed.

"Oh...I...okay," Meredith breathed, shifting away from him. She stood next to him, awkwardly fidgeting with the edges of his t-shirt that wrapped comfortably around her lean upper body, his smell reassuring her things would be okay, even though she knew they wouldn't. She knew the end was coming...only it wasn't the end because you can't end something you've never even began.

"This wasn't a good idea, Meredith. I'm not fit for you. I don't know why I ever let it come this far. I was clearly lacking some better judgment and I regret the fact you got caught in this string of mistakes, this vicious webb of unfortunate decisions", he threw out, coldly and sternly, his voice tinged with fake politeness...or maybe professionalism. Like he was letting a patient know his life had come to an end, that there was no more hope to hold on to, no more time. The sands of time had flown with the wind.

"De...Derek," she gasped. She figured that no matter what she said or did, his decision was already made. He decided to cut off all ties. He stung her, he hurt her, cut through her like a knife. He didn't even have the courtesy to numb off the area, he ripped off the bandaid in such a cold, collected manner. Like she was business, a business venture you don't wish to partake in anymore. She felt dirty, like she was used for sex. Regret...dare she say she felt regret? No. Never. She could never regret what happened prior to this conversation. It was too special. Nothing could taint it. Nothing.

"I'm sorry. I've said this before, I can't give you more than some quick fucks. Last night...", he took a deep breath. "Last night was good. It was. But it can't happen again. Hopefully you'll find someone much better than me, better suited for you. You need someone who's on the same level as you. That someone is not me. I could never give you love, I could never love you." There. Calm. Collected. Sharp. Straight to the point. Yet, he felt empty. Numb. He wanted to go inside and drown his sorrows in that large bottle of scotch currently sitting in his vintage tray. Anything to run away from the sniffles he heard. He couldn't muster the courage to look her in the eye. He was breaking, too. Barely holding on, ripping on the seams. How could he say such cruel things? He could never love her... Could he?

"I...I'll grab my s...stuff," she chocked on a sob. She turned to leave, but thought better of it and turned back around, one hand firmly gripping the sliding door for support, taking a deep, steadying breath. "Derek...one day, you'll realize you deserve more. One day, you'll realize you're missing out on this great thing called love. You...", she trailed off, taking a deep breath, trying to control the tears that kept falling. "You may not feel that with me, I may not be that person for you. But Derek...you...you are that person for me. These days...these weeks have been good. They've been amazing. Despite everything, I know this was just that. Love. I don't want to focus on the bad side of everything, I don't want to focus on the sadness and despair you made me feel," she sniffled. "I will forever remember last night. You held me so tightly, you made me feel so safe," she sobbed freely. "I...I'll remember that. I will. And I do...I...I do...I do love you," she breathed, exhaling a deep, haunting breath before she turned around, sliding the doors closed and heading upstairs.

Derek's heart felt as if it had stopped beating for a while. She loved him. She felt love for him. Not hatred. She didn't hate him for doing this to her. She didn't curse him, she didn't mouth off on him. She...she loved him. He wanted to pick his heavy body up, run after her and hold her in his arms, kissing the tears away. But no. No. He sat, gripping the arm of the chair tightly, staring off into the rising sun. He knew it'd always hold the promise of a new day...a new day for her. She'd be okay. She would. But...would he?


	12. Breathe Easy

**Hi there, you awesome people!**

**I am back from a little break involving lots of fluids, sleep and tons of miserable feelings and general cursing the existence of illnesses. HOWEVER, I am feeling MUCH better today and ready to keep on with the rock'n'roll! **

**I am feeling particularly chatty today {thankfully I'm getting back to myself after a few days of outer body experiences} and the updates are continuing. Heads up: I am sorry but the next couple of updates will be slightly {okay...very} MerDer-less ... BUT they have to be because I want you guys to feel and see what is holding Derek back.**

**I got a few reviews saying you guys were touched by this story and that's exactly what I'm going for, I want to capture the feeling of uneasiness, sadness, despair and overall uncertainty that comes with love and heartbreak.**

**So... I'll have a double update for you today, I'm just putting the finishing touches on Chapter 13. Curious thing is, I've got chapter 14 and 15 {so excited about that one!} written. :D**

**Without further ado, here we continue the rock'n'roll girls! Thank you so much for the words! It was amazing to turn on the laptop and read this! So amazing. God is good and you guys are amazing!**

**Enjoy!  
**

The bed was empty. Empty. The sheets thrown carelessly all over the bed, the heavy scent of their sexual aftermath still hovering in the air, leaving him in a haze. He could still make out a tiny droplet of blood, signaling her innocence and the barrier he overcame that night. The barrier they pushed through together, rhythmically moving against one another. Now it was empty. Empty. He walked into the room just as the sun was firmly set in the sky, the oak tree letting out less and less gentle sways, foreseeing a hot day in Las Flores. Derek wouldn't see much of it, though. He planned on laying on his bed and forgetting about what he had done, trying to push the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach away with the aid of the expensive bottle scotch he'd resort to. It'd be empty soon enough. Empty. He kept replaying the look in her face in his mind over and over again, the look of pure ecstasy once the pain gave way to pleasure. He had to take a deep, steadying breath as a wave bearing her scent overpowered him, filling his nostrils. Was it phantom pain? She was gone. She was gone, but she felt so close.

She had left nothing but the memory she had been there, that she was not just a fragment of his imagination. Life played a cruel trick on him, his priorities shifted the minute he got word of his father's passing. Gone was the carefree, loving little boy who wanted nothing more than a wife to love, a marriage as sweet as honey and kids to carry on his name. Those wishes were gone. Empty. Now all he had to show for his life was a job he didn't love, a string of absurdly short affairs and a growing void in his life. How did it all go downhill so hard and so fast? And more importantly, how could he come to fix it?

He should apologize. Apologizing... Would the word sorry really fix things? Either way, sorry truly seemed to be the hardest word. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her previously sparkling eyes now empty. So empty. Her shaky voice as she breathed those words still echoed in his mind, haunted his thoughts, plagued his ears. It kept ringing, the whispers caressing his ears in such painful way. Painful caresses, painful whispers and hurtful reminders that he caused her pain when all she wanted was for him to love her. Love...

_"I may not be that person for you. But Derek...you...you are that person for me."_

He tried to decypher those words, he tried to make himself feel worthy of being loved, but he couldn't. He needed perspective. His hand flew to this chest, resting on top of his heart, feeling the wild beating when that particular sentence flooded his mind. Even if all else was failing, his heart was still beating. Even if he cursed himself for every word that caused her to cry, he still was alive. Barely breathing, but trying to reach the surface. Even if he wondered why such a monster like him deserved such sweet blessing, such adoring woman. Even if...

_"I...I'll remember that. I will. And I do...I...I do...I do love you."_

He felt his knees shake as those words hit him all over again. Barely breathing... God, he just needed to breathe.

* * *

She didn't remember how she got into her bed. She slowly opened her eyes and looked around the beautifully decorated room. The curtains swayed back and forth to the breeze, the shadows on the wall were her only company. She felt empty. She vaguely remembered Manny's scent as she collapsed into his chest when walking through the front door, but the rest was a blur. She chose to block the memories from the previous night. It was too painful...too consuming. Overwhelming.

She tried to busy herself with other thoughts...happier thoughts. Anything to keep her mind from drifting off to those words, those venomous feelings she knew he meant. She believed that with every fiber of her being, she engrained them within her soul, took them for facts. No one would be that cruel as a joke. Suddenly, the words hit her like a freight train, over and over.

_"I could never give you love, I could never love you."_

Unequivocal. Sharp. Brisk. Cold. Harsh. Hell... It had been hell. A little preview of Satan's home, and she wanted nothing to do with it. She needed to come to terms with the fact that loving herself came before loving any man, anyone. She wouldn't humiliate herself again, she wouldn't break and bend over backwards for someone who found her unworthy of love. No one should be unworthy of such precious gift. No one. But it still cut her like a knife. It was hell.

Suddenly she heard the door creak open; a small, full figure pushing the door gently. Her glasses stood on the tip of her nose, her dirty blonde hair with tinges of white hung in a bun. Her apron was stained as she cleaned her hands on it but Meredith wanted her. Meredith wanted to feel the embrace of her mom... Her second mom, per se. She couldn't, though. She couldn't break. She couldn't show weakness. She refused. She would become loveable if that's what it took, and no one loved a weak person. Derek couldn't love a weak woman. He didn't...he didn't love her. Strong or weak, he didn't love her.

"Oh, sweet pea...", Marybeth sighed, her eyes sad and her hand firmly resting on the door knob.

Meredith didn't breathe a word, she simply snuggled closer to her pillow and tried to fight back fresh new tears that threatened to spill out of her green orbs at the sound of her mom's soothing voice. Her understanding, supportive mom, or at least she hoped. She heard her footsteps as she closed the door and moved closer to her bed, sitting on the edge.

"I...Manny told me what happened last night, sweetheart," Marybeth sighed. "He said you came running out of nowhere, your hair a mess and your face stained with tears. He told me you collapsed on his chest..."

"D...Don't," Meredith whispered. "I just want to be left alone."

"No, sweetheart, we'll talk about this. You need to get it off your chest, baby. What got you so worked up, sweet pea?", Marybeth asked, fear rushing through her body, the kind of fear you feel when you ask something you know the answer to.

"MB...I...I'm not in the mood to talk. Please."

"You know, I felt like that too at some point. You may think I haven't, given the fact I'm just an old lady, older than time it seems, who used to change your diapers and whatnot...", Marybeth trailed off before she was interrupted by Meredith.

"You know you're more than that, MB," she breathed, the sound coming out muffled by the pillow.

Marybeth smiled and felt her own eyes get misty, too. "I know, sweet pea, I know... Anyhow, I felt like that, too. His name was Benjamin. We'll call him Ben for short. He was a southern gentleman, a cowboy if you may. Mama and Papa couldn't stand him, said he'd be nothing but trouble for a good girl like me. Boy, were they right! He was trouble indeed, a darn stubborn man who had quite the temper, but that accent... Oh Lord, that accent could sweep me off my feet and make me forget all about the bad things that boy used to do!", Marybeth laughed gently, and smiled when she heard Meredith's faint giggles coming from the pillow.

"I of course thought I was smarter than them, thought I had life all figured out and thought nothing could hold me back. I thought I was quite the superstar and that I would live life on the fast lane, disregarding my parents' advice," Marybeth laughed at the memory. "So when he came around one day and told me we should get out of Texas, I dove right in. I didn't care about money, didn't care about my parents... Nothing mattered because I was in love. One hot Summer night, around this time of the year, I packed up what little clothes I had and he and I sped off into the sunset."

"You did?", Meredith's faint voice came from the pillow.

"I did, sweet pea," Marybeth laughed softly. "I did. Mama and Papa came looking for us the day after, but they didn't find us. We stayed at a sketchy motel on the side of the road, right next to a gas station. It was all kinds of trouble, baby. A few weeks filled with arguing, money getting too tight and us getting nowhere, we finally realized love wasn't enough. Not when you're too young, too young to understand what you're getting yourself into."

"MB, you don't..."

"Understand? Oh, honey, I think I do. You think this was easy? I know this may seem like a cheesy life lesson coming from an old lady but it isn't. Coming to the realization alone that love wasn't enough was heartbreaking. I was young, I had just disobeyed my parents, crossed them in the worst possible way. The man I thought was the love of my life was just a stubborn cowboy with a much too free spirit. It was love, sweetheart. At some point, it was love. But sometimes, love isn't enough. Not when it's not realistic, not when it possesses us to do crazy things. And I know it seems impossibly big right now and that you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, but it gets better. The burden gets lifted off slowly but surely."

"Mom, I...", Meredith breathed before a sob overtook her body.

"Oh, sweet pea... Come here," Marybeth whispered before she craddled Meredith in her arms, kissing her head gently. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? Don't blame yourself. You are in love. Love makes us do irrational things. He was just... In a different place. Another level. You loved, you lost. I'm sorry I snapped at you when I found out, sweet pea. I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you needed. But when your kids do things you don't approve of, or when they get themselves into mistakes they can't undo, we're bound to snap."

"Mom... He... He told me he could never love me," Meredith sobbed. "Am I that unlovable?"

"What in the world? That is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You, Meredith Grey, are worth all the love in the world. All the love. You love wholeheartedly, you give yourself fully. It's not your fault that man chose to pick you, take your heart out of your chest and stomp all over it. I could kill him with my bare hands," Marybeth sighed, the anger she felt rising quickly vanishing as she saw how broken her little girl was. She couldn't waste her breath being mad at someone else when her daughter needed her.

"Don't say that, MB. He's broken. Completely broken. I don't know how or what happened to bring such bitterness into his life but all I asked was for him to let me in. He...", she took a deep breath. "He keeps saying he's not capable of love. You should've seen his eyes, heard the tone in his voice."

"Honey, that right there shows me just how big your heart is. You're sticking up for that man with every ounce of strength you have inside of you, and God knows it's not all that much right now," Marybeth sighed sadly. "I just wish... I wish he hadn't done this to you. It kills me seeing you like this."

"I'll be okay, Mom. I will. It wasn't meant to be. It...he was too broken. Too broken, not even a thousand ounces of will and strength I could eventually muster would help him. It's better this way," Meredith breathed, as she cuddled closer to her mom. She just wanted to think things through and remember the good times, all the exhilirating moments before those cruel words were spoken.

"I love you, sweet pea. You are worthy of love. All the love in the world, honey," Marybeth sighed, dropping a gentle kiss on her head and standing up to move towards the door.

"I love you too, Mom," Meredith murmured, her voice chocked and barely above a whisper.

Marybeth dropped her eyes to the ground, sadness overtaking her features. Her little girl was broken. Love damaged her, and Dr. Shepherd didn't understand what he had done to her, to her little princess.

Manny was awaiting eagerly by the door, his brown eyes looking into Marybeth's blue ones. "What happened? What got the kiddo all worked up?"

"Love, Manny," Marybeth sighed sadly. "Love happened."

* * *

Derek couldn't stop thinking about her. He kept pacing the bedroom, her scent still lingering in the air even after she left. He could only imagine what was running through her mind right now, the sadness she must be facing. She had stirred all kinds of feelings, all kinds of different sensations. He wasn't ready to deal with it. He wasn't ready. He picked up the phone and sighed as he pitched the numbers and waited for the other line to pick up. After they did, he felt relieved to hear the familiar voice.

"Ma...," he breathed. "Ma, I'm coming home."

_Tell me why... Oh, won't you tell me why?_


	13. Moving On

**Hi, my loves! Here is part two of today's update, freshly locked. It took me a while to lock this and the next update because they're both very emotional and dear to my heart {as every update in this fic}. **

**I know you're all probably expecting some huge, game-changing thing that might have happened to Derek, but it's none of that. Truth be told, we all may have gone through the same thing. I figure grieving is a very important process in life, and I base this update and my Derek in the fact he hasn't gone through that process. In a lot of ways, this Derek is based on my own personal struggles, because he'd rather avoid than face the hurt and the pain. **

**This update and the following one will be very emotional, so please stay with me and even though they're MerDer-less {in theory}, I promise MerDer will come out stronger from them. It's time for Derek's awakening. **

**Enjoy! **

Derek had spent the last few hours on a haze. He had packed what little clothes he had, thrown the bags into his Porsche and as he was driving away from Las Flores, he passed by the Grey estate. Marybeth was on her way back from grocery shopping and as their gazes collided, he saw fire in her eyes. Anger. Rage. All directed towards him. He couldn't help but conclude she knew about the events that had occurred, and that conclusion alone made him want to speed off even more and never look back. Never look back at Las Flores and all he left there. As he reached the airport, he called Mark and let him know of his plans to come home. He was elated, saying something about how he always knew Derek would come to his senses and come back to where he belonged. However, as Derek heard those words, he had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he had already found the place he belonged to...and it wasn't Manhattan. He brushed off those thoughts as quickly as they came, though, and a few hours later, he was landing at JFK.

His rental car drove him back to the place he grew up in. He still remembered the beautiful but now slightly aged house, the amazing memories he created there before his father's death, and even some after it. Driving down the familiar road brought back these feelings of regret and sadness over leaving his family behind, his sisters who needed him every day and his mother. Especially his mother. Her concern for him had never gone unnoticed and while it very well drove him over the edge most of the time, he missed having her wise, comforting presence around. He couldn't help but wonder how she'd take the news of his relationship or lack thereof with Meredith.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, no missed calls or texts awaiting him. He felt so alone. How could such a trivial thing make him feel so alone? The snowball effect was piling up fast, and he felt hopeless. He scrolled quickly down his contact list, his gaze resting on Meredith's name. Every rational cell in his body was telling him to move past it, to leave it be. She didn't need another reminder of the grotesque words that spilled out of his mouth. Except... Except he needed to hear her voice. Her soothing, sweet voice. He put his phone on private ID, not revealing who was calling and quickly pressed the 'call' button. His heart pounded in his ears, the prospect of hearing her voice again haunting but necessary. He wondered just how broken it'd sound, or if she had already found comfort in the arms of that other man.

When his thoughts threatened to plague him once more, she picked up. Her shattered voice rang through the phone. "Hello?", she whispered. He was frozen. He couldn't speak, couldn't talk back. He was sure she heard heavy breathing over the phone, his stomach doing crazy somersaults over and over again. He fought the urge to whisper an apology. Sorry surely seemed to be the hardest word. "Is anyone there?", she whispered once more, a slightly angrier edge to her voice. "I'll hang up if you don't say anything!", she snapped gently. He assumed she didn't have the strength to muster a stronger voice, or a more authoritary snap. He open his mouth and snapped it shut at least three times, only the sound of his heavy breathing echoing between them. She needed an apology...but he couldn't. He quickly disconnected the call. No greater pain...

* * *

He pulled up to his mother's house, quickly moving out of the car and grabbing his bag. He was moving towards the porch when he heard his mother sigh softly. "Derek, dear..."

"Hey Ma," he smiled softly.

"Come here, son," Carolyn moved to hug her only son, by blood at least. She didn't miss the bags under his eyes or the heavy stubble in his face, which only added more emphasis to her concerns.

Derek quickly lost himself in the embrace of the woman he looked up to. His mother had given up the world to raise her six kids after his father's passing and still they all went on to do amazing things. Her embrace felt all too familiar, and the warmth of her presence was soothing in its own right.

"Let's head inside, dear. We need to get some food in you, Derek! Look at you," Ma laughed gently.

"This is where you become Ma again. Can't say I missed this," Derek mocked.

"Oh shush, you," Ma smiled. "Come on in, dear."

Derek picked up his bags and moved inside the house that saw him grow up into the man he was today, a man he was sure he didn't want anything to do with. He looked around, breathing in the familiar smell of the hallway, the living room, the worn wallpaper still framing the walls. Everything felt like home and everything reminded him of his father. He was overwhelmed by the feeling of sadness washing over him. He followed his mother into the living room and set the bag down, moving to sit beside her.

"Oh, dear, you look so tired...", Ma sighed.

"Yeah, I haven't been sleeping all that well. Still not completely used to living on the West Coast," Derek lied, laughing gently in an attempt to disguise the truth.

"Hmm...", Ma sighed, not masking her disbelief. "So tell me, what's going on with you?"

"Nothing, Ma. Work, home, work, home. Nothing exciting."

"Why do I feel like I'm being lied to? That you're hiding something?"

"Why would I do that, Ma? I'm not five years old anymore," Derek groaned.

"And don't I wish you were, Derek," Ma sighed sadly.

"Not again, Ma," Derek groaned. "Every time I come over, I get analyzed. Either you or Kath choose to plague me with incessant questions. I. Am. Fine! Just because I'm not in a relationship or don't have a burning desire to put a ring on someone's finger doesn't mean I am a freak of nature or someone crying out for help!"

"Derek, who are you? I don't recognize this man in front of me. Where is the man I know I raised? I know it was hard after your father...", she trailed off before being interrupted by Derek's protests.

"Ma, no. We're not going there," Derek snapped.

"Yes we are, Derek Christopher. We are. I know you had a less than pleasant childhood, Derek and I...I know you missed your father terribly, dear," Ma started to tear up. "But I tried my best, Derek. I tried to fill in for your father, I tried to make the transition easier for you. I arranged fishing trips with your neighbors and Mark, I even put on some rainboots to go frog hunting with you, but the little boy I knew before your father passed away was gone."

"Ma...my childhood wasn't bad. It wasn't your fault," Derek said, his own eyes filled with unshed tears, instantly regretting snapping at his mom.

"Derek, please. Just hear me out," Ma begged softly. "The little boy that used to put on my spare apron and come cook meatloaf with me in the kitchen was gone, and he buried his nose in his books, only coming out of that hole of a room once Mark barged through the door, and bless his soul for that. If it hadn't been for him, I...I don't want to imagine, Derek," Ma breathed.

"Don't be overly dramatic, Ma. I wasn't all that. You're making it sound like I was so lost I could barely breathe. That's not accurate," Derek rolled his eyes, anger bubbling inside of him.

"Oh but you were, Derek. You may not see it, but you were. You were deeply changed by what happened, and I wouldn't expect anything else, of course. We all were changed. Our lives were turned upside down by your father's passing. Look at me, Derek. My side of the bed is so worn you can almost see through it. Although the need to cry has mostly vanished, it still happens sometimes. I still cry myself to sleep at least once a month. I still look over my shoulder in the kitchen when I hear someone walk through the door expecting it to be your father, because I still believe he should be here, but he's not and it's not my fault, and it certainly isn't your fault either, dear," Ma sighed, her voice soft and slightly choked.

"Ma, seriously...", Derek tried to steer the conversation away from the dramatic edge his mother was letting on.

"Derek, will you just listen to me?", Ma snapped gently. Derek instantly snapped his mouth shut. "I prayed every night, prayed for God to give back my loving, carefree son and that this little shell of a boy would magically vanish. So far, they were empty prayers because here we are, almost thirty years later and still, you're closed off. You're still cold, you're still here but not really here. Your body is here, but your heart is elsewhere. I keep wishing another Sally Fairfield would come by to wake you up from this deep sleep you've been drowned in for the past thirty years. Almost thirty years, Derek."

"S...Sally Fairfield?", Derek asked gently, memories of his first childhood love flooding his mind. Fond memories.

"Yes, dear," Ma smiled softly. "Sally, our next door neighbor. You were six years old when you came home, your dark brown hair framing your face and told me and Da that was the girl you'd marry. You said you were in love, dear. That little redhead, freckles in her face and deep green eyes was your first little love."

Derek smiled at the memory, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to recapture that feeling of carefree love he felt when he was six years old.

Ma continued. "For a while, I couldn't figure out why. I couldn't figure out why the little boy who used to surround his father asking him to teach you how to shave so you could impress Sally and have her agree to go to the soda fountain with you. Your father said you were much too young to shave, that you had no hair on your face but sure enough, the following morning, there you were, doubled over the sink, your father's razor in your hand, prepared to pounce," Ma laughed gently, along with Derek's soft chuckle.

"I couldn't figure out why the little boy who used to run out the porch like a lightning bolt every time Sally came into view was still closed off in his room months after your father's passing. Your little crooked nose stood buried ten feet deep into books, your laugh was left unheard for months on end, Derek. I tried with all my might to understand why you weren't coping nearly as well as your sisters, who of course remained sad and heartbroken but each found a way to move past the hurt. Not you, Derek. You seemed to hang out with the pain, and if it weren't for Mark dragging you out every day, you would have been consumed by it," Ma sighed, tears visible in her eyes once more.

"It was very hard for a long while, dear. Nancy and Kathleen were very mature about the whole situation, taking care of Emily and Amy on my bad days. You... You didn't let anyone come near you. It was like you had a shell around you. No matter how hard me or anyone tried to penetrate it, it wouldn't break. I think I realized what was holding you captive the first time I visited your father's grave," Ma sighed, not missing Derek's tense posture next to her.

"It had been about seven months after his death. Nothing major happened that day, nothing made me feel the overwhelming urge to visit him. No great light or inspiration came down on me. I just figured it was time to do what I had been too scared to do, what I had been terrified to admit: your father's death, Derek. I may have stopped living, I may have ceased motion but that didn't mean I had grieved him, dear. Sadness doesn't always equal grief, and I maybe hadn't truly come to terms with his passing."

"So I made sure all of you were taken care of and made my way to the cemetery. I can't tell you how this overwhelming sadness came upon me as I walked through those big gates, nor can I really explain the force that made me break down as I caught sight of the freshly placed grave. The letters were obviously still very much bright and new and it was a fresh reminder that he was gone. He was laying...", Ma gasped, tears falling softly down her cheeks. "Laying beneath my feet, Derek. He was gone, and I couldn't stop crying upon realizing that, truly realizing that fact."

"Ma...", Derek cried softly, the tears pouring freely down his cheeks as he moved to squeeze his mother's hand.

"You didn't... You haven't truly grieved, Derek. Immediately upon his passing, you got it in your head you had to care for this family, that you had to carry us all under your wig, on your shoulders, all by yourself. That's not true, Derek. Never has been. My deepest wish for my little boy was for you to find happiness and love. It still is. It has always been, dear," Ma smiled softly. "But you need to grieve first. You need to shake away those ghosts, Derek. You need to find peace within yourself, stop being trapped in the past and don't let the burden you've created for yourself drag you further down."

Derek smiled at those words, truly smiled for the first time in what felt like years. Finally he saw hope, finally he felt warmth running through his veins in contrast to the icy cold blood he felt pumping day in, day out. And he found the strength to come clean. "Ma, I...I met someone," he smiled.

"Oh, Derek...", Ma smiled softly. "Hopefully she's not one of your hoochie mamas."

"Ma!", Derek gasped.

"Sorry, dear, but my dream is not for you to get syph or for me to get a grandson when your heart is not in it."

"No, Ma...she's nothing like that. She's...she's Meredith," he let a small smile play on his lips.

"Meredith," Ma smiled, loving the way his eyes sparkled unconsciously and the way his lips were formed in a curvy, gorgeous line that she hoped promised love. "I assume you met her in California?"

"Yes, Ma. She's my neighbor. I'll...", Derek started before being interrupted by his own thoughts. His mother had given him strength to let go of his past, to finally see past the hurt and she had given him the key. He just needed to act on it. "Ma, I've got to go. I'm...I need to see Da."

"But dear, I want to hear all about Meredith!"

"Yes, Ma, later... I promise," Derek smiled and moved out the door, rushing quickly and trotting down the street. He needed to his father.

* * *

_At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
__And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone_


	14. Tear Down The Walls

**Thank you ever so much for the reviews and the amazing words of love you guys have given me throughout this fic! It makes my heart feel so happy and so joyful! I truly love writing this and it makes me even happier to know you guys are enjoying it too, so keep them coming!**

**McDreamy is coming back, slowly but surely... :)**

Derek pulled over on the parking lot a few feet away from the gravesite. He could make out the beautiful gate and the stunning trees adorning the yard and he couldn't help but think that was the most beautiful resting place known to man. He started walking towards his father's home for all of eternity. He started playing all of the beautiful memories they shared, cursing himself for not visiting his dad sooner, or even more often. He knew he was probably disappointed, wanting nothing more but answers as to what made his son change so radically, so dramatically. The wind was blowing gently in New York City, the heatwave felt in Las Flores was no where near the slight hot weather felt on the East Coast. He crossed the imponent gate which looked two thousand feet tall and started making his way towards his father's grave. Michael Shepherd. His father. His inspiration. His...hero.

Whenever Derek sat down and allowed himself to think about what his life had become, he couldn't understand what made him become this shell of a man; a man who'd rather hurt someone than love them, leave someone rather than care for them. He hadn't always been like this. Once upon a time, his family had known a man open to love, to friendship, a good boy whose life rotated around love, commitment and the promise of a life together with a woman he'd end up marrying in the future, kids running around the house, coming home after a long shift at the hospital to his wife, some love making and debriefing about what their days had hold. All at once, with no prior warning, all his priorities shifted. Gone was the carefree young boy who went frog hunting, who wasn't afraid to be outside and get muddy. He spent his days curled up in bed with a book, only coming out as a favor to his mother. He never understood why...he never grasped why things took such a horrible turn for the worse. All of his family pointed out his father's death as if that was the most obvious answer in the world, but Derek was reluctant to believe.

"Hey Da," he managed to choke out. "I...um...it's been a long time since I've been here, I know it has. I'm sorry, I am so...", he trailed off, blinking back a few tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. "I am so sorry. I really am. I guess I'm still waiting for you to barge through the front door and take me fishing, or shed some light on what I should do. I...it's been over 20 years, Da. You're probably fishing up there, in a big, holy lake or something," he laughed, only it came out choked, his eyes far too misty. "You could put a good word in with the Big Guy for me, Da. I...I think I need it."

"I wish...I just wish you were here. We could have...We could have had such an amazing relationship, Da. I definitely would have been a different person. I definitely wouldn't be the horrible monster I know I am. I know that, Da. But you're not...you're not here and I'm alone. I have Ma and the girls but I feel alone. I had to carry the cross, the weight of the family on my shoulders for so long. I'm so sorry I went away but...I needed to breathe. I just needed to breathe," he cried freely. "But I...I came here to ask for your advice. I need you today, Da. I need you today and you're not here. I need you to pick me up and tell me to be who you raised me to be and move forward. But instead I'm here. Look at me, Da, I'm in my thirties and I can't be in a committed relationship," he whispered. "And I can't help but think my life would've been so different had you lived...so different, Da. None of this is fair. None if this makes sense to me. This is too much," he sobbed.

"I never thought pain could go this deep. Da...I think I just never grieved you. At least that's what Ma has always said... She's doing good, by the way. Ma is doing great. She's amazing. She's actually an inspiration, you know?", he smiled through his tears. "You married the best. There's no upping her. She raised all six of us when you...when you died," he choked out. "I guess you probably want to hear about your girls, too," he said, softly. "Well...Nance is good. She is the biggest pain in the you-know-what ever, but she means well. She's a kick ass OBGYN, by the way. You'd be proud. But then again, I know you'd be proud of all of us, no matter what we chose to do in life. Um...Kath's good, too. She's a shrink, which is also a pain in the bum. You can't frown around that house without getting the whole microscope observation from her...but she's good. She's had a rough couple of months, but she's standing strong. Just like you taught us," he smiled sadly.

"Ems...oh, Ems is a force of nature. She was sick, Da. She was sick...breast cancer," he said as he took a deep breath. "I will never forget the day she came home for our Sunday family dinner, looking pale and scared. Ma was cooking her famous meatloaf, Ems' favorite dish. She...she usually smells dinner right upon stepping through the door and normally let out the most amazing laugh, but she didn't that day. She didn't...she didn't laugh. Ma took two looks at her, noticed her pale appearance and instantly knew something was horribly wrong. She kinda has that sixth sense, you know? I'm sure you do," he laughed gently. "Who am I kidding? You probably knew every aspect of her personality. But yeah...Ems was sick. She told the whole family that night, and we all pulled all the strings in the world to get her to be treated by the absolute best. Now, two years later, she's cancer free. She was always so positive, though. She never lost hope. She was going through chemo, her beautiful brown curly hair falling off chunk by chunk and she still smiled. She winked at me, she actually...she actually winked at me and soothed me when I broke down. Da...I just had to break down. I couldn't be strong anymore. I knew you'd want me to, but she...she could have died, Da," he sobbed. "I...I think I learnt you've got to live each day as it comes, even though that didn't translate nearly as well as I hoped for, as I live every day not giving a crap about whatever will happen tomorrow. But I'm trying my best, Da...I really am."

"Ma said your...", he took a deep breath. It was hard to choke out the word. "Your death changed me. She said I was no longer the little boy she knew she raised. I don't know if that's her way of telling me she's disappointed or if she's trying to kick my ass and actually make me change my ways. Probably the latter...she's always had the ways to wake me up when I needed her to the most. She's Ma, after all," he laughed softly. "But I moved away from New York, Da. I needed that break. I went to California, to Las Flores to be more precise. I'm sure this ain't news to you seeing as you see everything from up above. I know you're with me every day, Da. But anyway... I moved there and I met Meredith. She's...she's young, Da. I'm not gonna lie, she's young. She's only seventeen years old. She's still a baby by my own standards, and I don't know what possessed me to pursue her. I used to lay awake at night and curse my inability to walk away, I swear it was like some magnetic force kept pulling me towards her. I think she helped matters by showing up unannounced at times," he laughed softly.

"Anyway... I think I like her. Maybe even lo...," he gasped. Love? "I...I'm sorry Da. Love is such a foreign feeling to me. I know it didn't use to be. Ma was telling me that story about how I told you guys I loved Sally Fairfield when I was just six. It's funny that now, almost thirty years later, I can't replicate that same feeling, that same wish to be with someone. Well...that's not true. I want to be with Meredith, but Da...I'm holding myself back. I'm holding myself back because Meredith deserves someone who holds no damage to their name. Me? Da, I'm so damaged. I'm too damaged, I'm damaged goods."

"God knows I want to give her everything, Da. God knows I want her to have everything she deserves...and she deserves the world. And me? I'm just a broken man," he paused, and chuckled softly. "And I know you're trying to kick my ass from wherever you are right now, Da. I know you would hate to see me put myself down, you always told us we were worthy of everything we set out to achieve. But you don't understand, she's...she's just so amazing, Da. Nothing I can give her is enough."

"I hurt her, Da. I hurt her so much, more than I have ever wanted to hurt anyone in my life. You should've heard her gasps of pain when I said I couldn't love her, Da. She was so broken but I couldn't make myself give her hope or love. I couldn't. Except... Except all I want to do right now is love her. All I wanna do is pour my love into this relationship, start all over, get myself sorted out, be a loving man...a good man. The man you raised. The man you wished I'd become. I wanna be that man, Da. For you, for Ma, for Nance, Kath, Ems, Amy and mostly Mer. Mer. She is...she's everything. She's everything you'd want me to find, even if she's young. You'd love her Da. You'd... Just give me a sign, Da. Give me a sign," he collapsed on the grass surrounding the grave, the words that had faded over the years, his father's presence still very much there. The sobs overtaking his body were overwhelming, they came from deep within, a place awaken for the first time in years. He was feeling. He allowed himself to feel...and he felt love. Like a mighty storm stirring from deep within, he felt love.

The breeze was blowing softly in New York City, the large oak tree blocking the sun rays gently swayed in tune with the wind blowing and he felt the sun hitting his head. He gently whipped his head around, his eyes meeting the sight of the sun shining from between the branches. It was breathtaking. It was shining down on him. He didn't believe in much, he didn't have much faith...but right there and then, he felt his father's tender hands comforting him. He knew he was there. His hero was there, and he loved him. Love. "I...I do love Mer, Da. I love her. I love her. Love... I love her," he whispered, a small smile playing on his lips, tears still falling slowly from his soft blue eyes.

His gaze dropped down, meeting the beautiful daisies blossoming around his father's grave. "Thank you, Da. Thank you for listening to me. You...you've always had the answers. You've always been my hero," he smiled softly. "I love you, Da...I love you and I miss you every single day of my life. Nothing will ever be the same without you, but now I'm going on to build what you built. A love built to last. Thank you. Thank you so much. I'll see you soon. I promise."

With those final words, Derek dusted off the dirt in his pants and moved to stand up, his hands moving slowly over his messy curls and then over his growing beard. He knew this was it. It was time to make the wrong things in his life right. He was tearing down the walls.

* * *

Meredith has just gotten out of the shower when she saw her phone beeping on her bedside table. She figured it was Cristina trying to drag her out of the house, or even Finn trying to get her to go on another date with him. He had been restless in his pursuits, trying to convince her to give them a go. She just couldn't bring herself to be with anyone else, but she figured time would heal her wounds. She moved quickly to the bedside table and picked up the phone. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw a text and Derek's name flash on the screen.

"Wait for me."

* * *

_More than this life, there is love  
__There is hope and this is real  
__Let love tear down these walls_


	15. Awakening

**So... Here we are. You know, when I started writing this chapter, I knew where I wanted it to go. I wanted to do justice to the real events, the real pain, the real anguish, the real despair...but, most of all, the real LOVE felt. Love.**

**This chapter was emotionally draining to write, mostly in a very good way. I hope I got the right vibe across and that you take this journey with both Derek and Meredith, and that you guys realize Derek has awoken to life and love, and he's done it with her.**

**I love you guys, thank you for everything and I hope you enjoy this update, written from the bottom of my heart. :) Please leave some love, I want to know if you guys are enjoying this!**

* * *

It was raining heavily in Las Flores, a random and strange occurance in Summer months but the rain was pouring down hard over the tiny town, the wind blowing freely but comfortably. Before he went to see his father, he had already downed more glasses of scotch than he'd ever care to admit, so many of them that he had resorted to drinking straight out of the bottle. It was the only thing that would numb his pain. Every night he'd pass out on the king sized bed, the sheets a tangled mess. He hadn't made the bed, not since she left. If he tried hard enough, he could still smell the lavender scent of her hair when he nuzzled his nose on the pillow she laid on. He usually laid on her side, the bottle of expensive scotch taking residence in his bedside table on those lonely nights. He was always out of it. The bags under his eyes were enormous, it was abundantly clear no sleep came easily for him. He kept replaying the horrid words that dripped out of his venomous mouth, the sobs that racked her tiny body, the gasps and haunting deep breaths she took as she told him she loved him. How? How could she love a monster? He was poison. His mother was disappointed, but she saw light for him. Hope. He just missed his father so much, and the visit to his grave had brought some clarity into his life.

He had made his way back to Las Flores shortly after visiting his father, saying a quick 'I'm sorry' to his mother but promising her that the next time she laid eyes on her son, he'd be a different man...and he believed that with every grain of her soul. He hadn't seen her around and that was enough to scare him straight. He wondered if she was off with that man, if the horrid words he had proclaimed had efficiently pulled her away from him. He felt his blood run cold at that thought, fearing the worst. He couldn't lose her, not when he knew. He knew, and he had to have her. To love her. To worship her. He felt tears rush back into his eyes, all the hope his father had brought was slowly vanishing, the confidence lessening.

He fell down on the seat by his window, gazing over the dark, wet street. He lost track of time. A minute, an hour, a day. He was so lost in his own thoughts, blaming himself so harshly for waiting so long to come home, to come to her that he didn't even notice Meredith pull over her driveway, one of her friends on the drivers' seat. He was only shaken out of his little world when the car door slammed loudly and Meredith bent over the window, speaking animatedly to her friend.

Going down there and cornering her was far too familiar. He had done it before. It led to bad things, things that forced him to resort to the nearly empty bottle of scotch in his hand. He needed it, though. He needed her comfort, her warmth. He felt like a selfish ass, he had no business wanting anything from her but he needed to apologize. He needed them to start over. He needed to tell her he loved her, that he had figured it out. He did a mad dash downstairs, ignoring the rain that instantly assaulted him as he set foot outside. He heard the sound of tires against the wet pavement, assuming her friend had sped off. It was now or never.

_In our hearts _  
_In this nation _  
_Awakening_

She was fumbling with her keys yet again, hoping to pry her gate open and shield herself from the rain that started to pour even harder. This was too damn familiar. "Meredith!", he yelled, standing frozen by his gate. Her hands stilled, the mad search for her keys stopped and she whipped her head around, searching for the source of such anguished cry for her. Her green eyes settled on Derek's careless appearance, his stained t-shirt, his messy hair and bags under his midnight blue eyes. His shoulders were slumped, his eyes devoid of any spark. Sadness. They were brimmed with red, swollen around the edges. Had he been crying? She could never tell. But that wasn't the Derek she was used to. The Derek she knew was confident, nothing and nobody shook his world. He stood strong and tall, no one could penetrate the barriers and walls he put up. "Derek...", she breathed, walking towards him in painfully slow strides, examining his appearance as she inched closer. She came to stand in front of him, both their clothes wet, hair messy and frozen posture, waiting for one of them to break the ice.

"Meredith...Mer...", he murmured, his hands going straight to her cold arms. "I am so, so sorry", he let out an unexpected sob that caught Meredith by surprise, his head hung low. Too low. He was so ashamed. "I am poison, Mer. I am...I am unworthy of you," he sobbed, maybe pathetically but he was losing it, and her standing in front of him in all her sweet glory was making him feel even more exposed. He couldn't get hold of his emotions, they poured freely from his eyes and mouth.

"Derek...shhh...Derek, it's okay, you're okay," she moved to hug him tightly, his tall and muscled frame swallowing her, collapsing in her arms, letting her lay protected in the comfort of his soothing figure. "It's okay. We're okay. I...I understand."

"How can you say that, Meredith?", he pulled away. "I hurt you. I let venomous words make their way out of my mouth. I hurt you. I hurt you more than I have ever dreamed of hurting anyone. Why aren't you hurting me back, Mer? Why aren't you kicking my ass? I deserve whatever you have to throw at me. I deserve it. I am...I am a monster, Meredith," he sobbed yet again, gasping for breath. Derek Shepherd was not a man who cried, no tear was ever shed. Yet, here he was, gasping for breath.

This confession stirred up horrid feelings inside of her, feelings she had held back, feelings she thought she was unable to feel. Bitterness and resentment made their way up her body, and she couldn't help but feel the overwhelming need to be brought to her knees.

"Why did you do it, Derek?", she whispered harshly. "Why did you say those things? I gave you no reason, no reason at all! I was left thinking I was unworthy, you made me feel like a second rate piece of shit!"

Her harsh words caught him by storm, her sweetness overpowered by a sense of anger he hadn't seen before. He felt guilty, guiltier than he thought possible but he needed her to express her feelings so they could move forward.

"I...I don't know."

"You don't know?! You don't know?! I waited, I waited for you to open yourself up, I waited even though I knew it was a long shot, even though I knew I was probably never going to be the one to be with you! Yet you chose to rip my heart out and stomp on it, grind it, throw it away! It's not fair, Derek!", she sobbed, the anguish built up between them was pouring freely from their tense bodies. So much was unsaid, undone.

_Only spirit_  
_We desire  
Awakening_

"I'm so...", he gasped. "So sorry, Meredith. I will spend a lifetime making it up to you, if that's what it takes. Just...please, I need a chance. Just give us a chance."

His begging was tugging at her heartstrings, her eyes were still clouded with persistent tears and her heart broke for the man in front of her. She leaned closer, allowing his nose to brush against hers, letting a small smile play on his lips. A smile that showed his true colors, showed his true feelings. A smile promising warmth, adoration and love. Love. He tilted his head to the side, letting his lips brush on hers for a while, never parting them. He wanted to let her get used to the sensations, to the love spewing out of their bodies. His lips finally parted, opening slightly to accomodate her soft, petal rose ones. Their bodies resting so close together, the warmth radiating from them despite the chilly rain breeze. His tongue gently slipped past her lips, mating with hers, dancing erotically and exploring every inch of her warm haven. There was no urgency, no speed, no rush. Just love. Passion. It was calm, soothing. Reassuring. He was kissing her lips, love in his mind and everything made sense.

She pulled away, a smile on her lips, her eyes sparkling in the moonlight. The rain kept falling, offering no sign of stopping, but she didn't care. She was kissing him, and everything felt right. It's like the moon and the stars aligned and everything made perfect sense for the first time in her life. All the hurt, the nights of anguish and despair was worth it. She couldn't say it had been fun, nor could she say she'd want to go through them again, but the outcome was too perfect. He was here, and he was kissing her like she was the only girl in the world. "Derek...Der," she breathed, after a long, pregnant pause. He was staring at her, his hair wet, his curls messy and a small smile taking permanent residence in his mouth. "We should...we should go inside."

"Yes...we should. It's getting cold, you're getting cold. I want to show you love. The love...", he took a deep breath. "The love you deserve."

She couldn't help but break out the world's brightest smile at that. Gone was the insistant babble about love not being within arms' reach for him, gone was the ice cold approach to something everyone should know and experience at least once in their lifetime. Love. "Yes. Let's head inside."

Derek took her hand and led her through the open gate, closing it tightly behind their retreating forms. They walked through the front door and Derek couldn't help but stop and stare at her. Her honey blonde hair looked darker when wet, framing her shiny cheeks and swollen lips, her eyes shining ever so slightly. She was breathtaking, easily the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid his eyes on. He smiled that gentle smile at her and led her to the bedroom she knew too well. After he pushed the door open, he stopped and closed his eyes tightly. He felt the need to explain the mess, the sadness floating through the air all too similar to the one he carried around every day since she left.

"Mer...I didn't make the bed. Not since you...", he trailed off. It still stung. "Not since you left. I wanted to leave everything untouched, unspoiled. You had been here and I...I missed you too much to mess things up. I wanted to hold on to whatever I could. I...I confess, Mer. I drank myself to sleep every night," he confessed quietly, his head hung low in shame and defeat once more. "At night, right before I waited for whatever force came and took me away, I'd lay awake and picture the way I made love to you here, the way your eyes squeezed shut when I entered you. Mer...I...I missed you so much."

_For you and you alone _  
_Awake my soul _  
_Awake my soul and sing_

Meredith's eyes were clouded with unshed tears, her heart breaking for the man standing in front of her. All those weeks she thought she was suffering all by herself, never once considering the amount of pain and sickness going on in his heart, his mind. She never stopped to think about them, maybe because he made it a point to let her know he'd never be able to care about her, never be able to love her in the slightest. Just not able. It turns out, he wasn't able to breathe, to sleep, to think straight. He wasn't able to let go of his bottle of scotch, his morphine of selection. He was breaking, being torn apart emotionally and she felt his vulnerability even when no words were spoken. A sadness radiated from his body, an overwhelming sense of despair. He was broken...just like her.

"You told me to wait," she whispered. "You told me to wait for you. Why did you say that?"

"I was constantly plagued by these haunting thoughts that perhaps you'd want to run to his arms and those thoughts alone were enough to make me nauseous. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone's hands roaming your body, the body that should be mine. Especially not when I knew," he breathed. "I know, Meredith. And I am so sorry."

"Shh, Derek, it's okay. I would never have run off with anyone else but you. Don't you see? I've left my heart with you. I prayed you had done the same."

"I did, Meredith. I did...I woke up every day filled with so much anger and resentment towards this pathetic excuse of a man I've become, yet these thoughts were overshadowed by this need I had to be with you. I...I think I've known all along, but the fear stopped me dead on my tracks."

"I waited and waited for you, Derek. From the day we've met, I have never felt anything but love for you."

He reached out a hand to her and she gladly took it, grasping it tightly. He pushed her to his chest, enveloping her in another tight hug as if he never wanted to let her go. Truth be told, he didn't. It still didn't feel real. It felt a little like an alcohol induced haze, one of those he knew far too well, common since scotch became his best friend. She reached a hand between them, pushing his t-shirt up and her eyes immediately laid on his sculptural chest, the dark chest hair adorning the beautiful body she saw too little of. The t-shirt came out and he was left with an exposed upper body, begging for her touch. She ran the palm of her hands up and down his chest, the warmth of her hands sending chills down to his spine. She always had warm hands.

He lifted the hands he laid protectively on her lower back to her wet cheeks, cupping them on both sides and looking straight through her eyes. He silently asked if she was okay with this, if she wanted to give herself fully to him one more time. One more time. That seemingly held no promise of the future but not to Derek. To Derek, it meant one more time and every time after that because he was certain he needed her more than he had ever needed anything else before. Emergency surgeries, the rush of picking up a scalpel, being published in the Annals of Medicine...nothing came close to the high and adrenaline he felt when he was kissing her lips, holding her near. It was ephemeral, to say the least.

_For the world you love _  
_Your will be done _  
_Let your will be done in me_

With her aid, he lifted the t-shirt that hung close to her body, exalting all the curves he remembered so well. He was met with a baby pink bra with noir trimmed edges, her beautiful breasts aching to be released. He wanted nothing more than to comply, to caress them in every loving way possible. He reached behind her, unclasping the beautiful bra and watched with baited breath as it fell to the floor between them. It felt like the first time he ever saw them, heavy and perky, the petal rose nipples hardened to their respective peaks. So beautiful, aching to be taken into a warm mouth. His warm mouth. He took them to the bed, ridding her of her jeans that hugged her ass perfectly, pushing them down to her feet and helping her step out of them. Another barrier stood. Her lacy pink panties, a wet patch taking residence beneath her aching core. God, how he missed her wetness, the same devine feeling enveloping his member. He didn't have enough, and he didn't think that was even a possibility. He tentively reached his hand forward, his index finger running smoothly over the damp area, being instantly met with pleasurable wetness. Their gazes locked, and with a silent nod laced with permission to move forward, he hooked his fingers on each end of the panties and smoothly pulled them down. The beautiful blonde curls that came into view sent immediate shockwaves down to his penis, already rising even when tucked neatly in his boxers and jeans. The panties ran down her long, lean legs and suddenly this goddess stood bare in front of him. Groans and moans wanted to make their way out of his previously venomous mouth, but nothing but admiration shone through.

He quickly rid himself of his own jeans and boxers, his erection rising from the thick black hairs, already rock solid. He reached for a condom sitting forgotten inside his bedside drawer, quickly rolling it on. He sat down on the bed, his legs spread apart, his member standing at the center of attention, sheathed and ready. She chewed on her bottom lip, her hands clasped together behind her back waiting for a sign. Any sign. He noticed her hesitant behavior, and reached his hand out to her, pulling her to his lap. He sat her there, his erection nestled between them as he took her mouth on his, kissing her senseless, the passion and love never leaving his lips. He slipped his tongue over her lips while his hands ran over her ass cheeks, cupping them and massaging them. He could feel the warmth radiating from her core, some of her essence dripping down onto him. The sound of their lips fused together echoed through the room, being accompanied only by the sound of the rain hitting the window gently. He pulled away, their lips swollen and his hand traveled down to his erection, fisting it in his hands and looking up towards her, seeking permission once more. A gentle nod of her head was all it took for him to let go of his penis and help lift Meredith up, her knees standing on each side. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her hands going straight to his messy hair and he entered her slowly.

_For this moment _  
_For this hour_

"Oh...Oh God," Derek breathed. She felt so good. So warm. Her tight walls were squeezing his penis hard, almost to the point of orgasmic bliss. "Meredith, you are so tight...God, so tight, Mer," he let his eyes fall closed, rocking his hips up to meet her delicious core. He reached a finger between them, working her clit as he saw his penis gliding in and out of her. She was moving her hips up and down, the sound of his skin slapping on hers was echoing through the quiet room.

"Oh my God, Derek!", she shouted, squeezing her eyes shut while moving over him, still relatively slowly. She buried her face in his shoulder, opening her mouth and sucking on his skin, trying to muffle the screams of pleasure that were threatening to spill out of her mouth.

"Can...can I go a little faster, Mer? Can we...are you okay?", he hissed out, his skin red and his speech coming out slightly slurred. The pleasure she was bestowing upon him was overwhelming, her tightness was driving him over the edge.

"Yes...yes, Derek", she moaned, coming out as a gasp laced with pleasure. Her heart was beating so fast, her vision going black. She was sure her blood pressure skyrocketed and she could feel her heart ringing in her ears as she felt Derek start pounding her. He held on to her waist as he brought her down on him, harder and harder each time she came down. The sound of his balls slapping her lower side bounced off and her moans turned into whimpers. "Oh, oh", she whimpered, her nose scrunched up and her fingernails dug into his back, almost drawing blood. He was pounding her so hard she was sure she was being ripped in two, but the pain she first felt was overcome by an intense wave of pleasure washing over her and her first climax driven by intercourse was approaching fast.

_Like the rising sun that shines _  
_From the darkness comes a light _  
_I hear your voice say this is my awakening_

He reached between them, his legs nudging Meredith's knees apart, trying to get in deeper. "Mer, I'm gonna try to...oh God...go deeper," he moaned, his eyes halfway closed. Derek's eyes were rolled back in his head, his chin rested on her shoulder as he felt his balls tighten, the condom-sheathed penis gliding in and out of her wet channel. The force of the thrusts was enough to send the bed flying, and the rocking motion made the steady bed creak as it jumped up and down, a rhythmic motion mimicking their thrusts. "Oh God, Mer,", Derek shouted, unable to either stop himself or form a somewhat coherent speech in his mind. It was too much, the pleasure was too great and he was so close to gone. So close.

"Derek, Derek," Meredith whimpered. She couldn't stop whimpering. It was too overpowering, the feel of her first climax during intercourse was coming fast and she tightened her grip on Derek. Finally, she felt the wonderful tightening of her uterus signaling her impending orgasm. Things ceased to move, her vision was too blurry to notice them, anyway. She let out a small cry, chewing on her bottom lip as a shout finally worked itself out of her mouth. "Derek! Oh my God!"

"Mer, Mer!", he shouted, accompanying her symphony, his own orgasm seeping out of his penis and into the condom. Nothing but heavy panting was heard for several minutes, the heaving of their chests moving their bodies away from each other. Sweat was pouring out of their spent frames, their gazes not totally focused yet. There it was, the aftermath of such intense lovemaking. It wasn't about sex, about a good fuck or simply satisfying some carnal desire. It was about making love to one another.

Meredith let her head move out of his shoulder and looked him in the eye. The same love she found earlier was still there, the same need and hunger for her, not only physical but also emotional. Their eyes remained locked as Derek gently smiled at her and inhaled deeply before he laid his bare heart for her. "I love you," he whispered. Both their eyes filled with tears and Meredith's soft gasp echoed in the room. She let out a sweet smile which was mimicked by him as he laid her down on what would always be known as her side, even though the spot she held in his life went way beyond his king sized bed. No. It was deep within his heart. She instantly pressed a sweet kiss to his chest, her fingers tracing his delicate chest hair just as her left hand intertwined with his right. Everything felt peaceful. She awoke feelings he thought were deeply buried inside his soul. She...she was his awakening.

* * *

_Like the rising sun that shines  
__Awake my soul..._


	16. The House Of The Rising Sun

**You know, I never wanted to be that kind of writer who leaves readers hanging for more than one week. I always figured I'd stretch time and write every day, but we do not live in a fantasy world. We live in the real world where I just got accepted into University {HOORAY!} and thus, I've been running around like cuuuh-razy getting everything settled for this new adventure. There are simply not enough hours in a day, folks! :-(**

**Nevertheless, here I am! Your reviews are so encouraging, my heart was bursting out of my chest with love and thankfulness and happiness, I can't even tell you! I have gotten a lot of notes written down for the next chapters, so hopefully it'll go smoothly from there. Here's a big, fat, huge I LOVE YOU and THANK YOU to all of you, and I hope you enjoy. :-)**

* * *

Meredith squinted slowly, looking around the unfamiliar room for a while, seeing the faint morning sun shine through the windows. She looked over to the alarm clock, signaling it was barely past 6am. She closed her eyes for a long while, inhaling the scent of the slept in sheets and the aftermath of their lovemaking. She could hear his heart beating as her head laid peacefully on his chest, his chest hair caressing her cheek. Her left hand was intertwined with his right one and she took a moment to really appreciate his face. Heavy stubble graced his features but his lips were shut in a beautiful, peaceful line and his eyes, though closed, radiated a soothing calmness. His chest rose and fell in sync with his calm breathing, and she could remember think how deeply in love she was.

She started running her hands up and down his toned abdomen, smiling softly when she saw his morning wood standing proudly beneath the cotton sheets. She felt a rush of warmth reach her core, a primal desire to give back all the pleasure he kept bestowing upon her as they made love for the first and second time. She slowly moved her hands beneath the sheets, tracing a delicate path towards his penis, his dark hair meeting her touch as her hand moved lower. She wrapped her soft hand around his rigid manhood, gently stroking it up and down and smiling a little wider when she heard very faint moans coming from his beautiful mouth. He was still asleep but consciousness was asking for permition to arise. His eyes were squeezed shut, his mouth parted in a beautifully small "O".

She carefully unwrapped herself from his arms, instantly missing the warmth but taking comfort in the fact she'd bestow such great pleasure upon him. She slowly removed the sheet that stood as a barrier between them and stood to his left, kneeling down. His rigid manhood, although still not risen to its full potential, stood in front of her face as her tongue darted out of her mouth en route to his penis, tentively licking his soft velvety head for a while just as her fingers ran up and down the beautiful shaft, smiling as she felt him stir slightly. She took this a sign to wrap her lips fully around his cock, sucking on the head slowly at first but picking up speed as her core became flaming hot, her clit throbbing incessantly. She moved to capture more of his penis, stuffing it in her mouth as his eyes flew open and laid on her.

God, she took his breath away. She had her head buried in his lap, her beautiful hair was framing his lower side, some of the gentle waves tickling his broad chest. Her head started bobbing up and down forcefully, the sound of the soft suction echoing through the room. "Oh God, Mer," he threw out, his voice husky and still laced with a certain sleepiness that was quickly vanishing. "I'm...I'm coming," he gasped. Her response was to suck harder, stopping every now and then to lick the shaft up and down and running her pearly white teeth very gently up and down his penis. He felt himself start to lose awareness of the world surrounding him, everything a blur, his fingers still tangled in her blonde tresses. "Mmmm," she moaned and that did him in. He couldn't stand her gasps of pleasure at having him buried deep within her mouth and he let himself go, allowing his body to achieve that release it craved, sending him over the pleasurable edge.

She swallowed his aftermath, some of the excess pouring out of her mouth as he heard his gasps for breath. He was completely spent, his hands ceased to move and laid motionless on her hair, perspiration adorning his toned chest. She moved back up, a smile on her face as she kissed a trail up his chest to his mouth, stopping there to kiss him passionately, smiling against his lips.

"Now that was a good wake up call," Derek grinned, his large, strong hands roaming her body.

"I figured I should pay you back for all the happiness and pleasure you inflicted upon me last night," she smiled. "I'm still not exactly sure it happened. Thank you, Derek."

"Hey, hey, shh," he murmured, tilting her chin up. "There is absolutely nothing to thank me for. I only strived to show you the love you deserve. And I do believe you paid me back exceptionally on the pleasure front, as well as the happiness. This is definitely the best way to wake up."

They laid there in silence for what seemed like an eternity, feeling the warmth of the rays of sunlight burning their skin more and more each passing minute. Derek figured this was how he always wanted to wake up, her tangled in his arms, her soft, silky hair framing his broad chest and the sunlight bursting through the large windows. He figured this was what happiness felt like, what he'd been missing all along. He felt her climb out of bed, pulling the white sheets with her and wordlessly making her way towards the patio, sitting down carefully on his cushioned lounge chair. He followed her, his naked form making its way out the sliding doors and coming to a stop behind her, seeing her hazy gaze fall on the beautiful sunrise in front of her. She had a small smile playing on her lips, her green eyes were peacefully shut and her silky blonde hair was tinged in the most beautiful honey color. He moved to sit beside her, scooting over and wrapping himself underneath the white sheets. She smiled and cuddled up to him, curling up closer to his chest as his arms wrapped around her, embracing her in his warmth. No words were spoken for a while. It was just...peaceful.

"Did you ever think we'd be sitting here, overlooking the sunrise, curled up to each other?", Derek whispered, such a hushed whisper she almost missed it.

"No," she sighed. "I didn't think you'd ever give us a chance."

Derek's tiny smile fell, a frown overtaking his features. "I'm...", he trailed off.

"Sorry. I know. Derek, it's okay. No more grief, no more pain. I'm okay. We're okay."

"While I appreciate that, I feel like I owe you an explanation. I feel like you deserve to know why I was so horrible to you. I...I am not sure why I didn't figure it out sooner, I kick myself over it often. I felt so unworthy of love, so unworthy of anything that would bring me happiness. I felt like I would damage you, like I would infect you if you stayed around me much longer. My dad...", he took a deep breath before continuing. "My dad died when I was a kid. I didn't really know what to do, how to cope or move forward so I just closed myself off from the world, I became this shell of a man I wouldn't even recognize and I regret the fact that was the men you met. I wish I had been a better person right from the get go, from the start. You deserve everything, Mer. I'm working on giving you just that, I promise you."

She was speechless for a moment, feeling the hot tears pool in her eyes and clouding her vision. The sunrise appeared blurry before her, her heart squeezing painfully in her chest for the broken man she was cuddled up to. She heard his ragged breathing and felt the way his hand ran absentmindly up and down her arm, noticing his fight with the tears that threatened to fall. She felt the warm rays hit her arm and gently tilted her head up, meeting his pink, wet lips. She could tell he was a little shocked when he felt the warmth of her lips collide with his, just as he was losing himself in his thoughts. She gently moved the blanket around so that it would cover her as she straddled his lap, smiling down softly at his worn appearance. She pressed her lips back on his, her warm, slick tongue dwelving into his mouth, the soft sound of their mingling tongues echoing in the quiet morning ambience. She pulled away to run her hands over his raven curls that laid messy and deliciously crumpled.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too, Mer. So much," he smiled.

She innocently started grinding her hips over his penis, an erection quickly forming. His mouth opened slightly, creating a beautiful "O" as his eyes closed slowly.

"M...Mer..."

"Shhh... Don't say anything."

She captured his lips in a hungry kiss once more, her tongue immediately attacking his as she snuck a hand between them and lightly grasped his erection in her hand. She stroked his rigid member up and down in a frenetic pace, smiling as she felt him moan into her mouth, not returning the kiss but rather being frozen by the pleasure she was giving him.

"Oh God...", he moaned.

"Do you like this? Does this feel good?", she whispered, a smile on her face.

"Y...yeah," he gasped.

He was taken by surprise when she stopped stroking his cock. Instead, she gave it one last stroke as she caressed her folds with it, letting the head roll up and down and stopping on her clit. She slowly guided his penis into her tight opening, feeling the large member glide in slowly as his hot breath fanned her face.

"Oh, oh, oh... Derek...", she whimpered, loving the feel of his cock sliding deeper and deeper into her.

"Mer...", he moaned.

She started moving up and down on him, her arms sneaking around his neck for support as the sheet fell just above her perfect round ass, moving up and down in sync with their thrusts. The sound of his balls meeting her flesh was heard on the quiet patio, her nipples hovering dangerously close to his mouth.

"Fuck, Mer...", he moaned just as his eyes caught sight of the perfect pink nipples, his head tilting forward to capture one into his mouth. He sucked and licked on the delicious peak as his hands tried to spread her legs further just so he could slide in deeper and deeper. He couldn't get enough of her.

"Yes, Derek... Harder, push...oh...harder...", she gasped, her hips moving faster over him, desperately meeting his thrusts. They were so close, she could almost taste her climax. Her grip tightened on Derek's neck, just as she felt a slight tap on the ass.

"Oh...", she gasped. "Again!"

Derek brought his hand down harder on her ass, the lounge chair moving off the ground slightly due to their hard and passionate lovemaking. "Come, Mer...come...", he whispered, moving his thumb down to tease her engorged clit, helping her reach her intense orgasm. She looked so beautiful. Her skin was tinged with a soft red color, her teeth closing on her bottom lip and her eyes closed softly as her breasts swayed free up and down along with the forceful thrusts. Another slap was heard as Meredith shouted loudly, one hand moving to her free breasts, squeezing them in utter pleasure.

"Shit, I'm gonna..."

"Yes, Derek, yes!", she whimpered, feeling his calloused thumb working her clit as she felt his swollen, thick penis covered in her juices. She came just as she felt Derek shoot his hot, white aftermath into her, their breathing erratic and uncontrollable, both basking in the glow of their climaxes. It took a long while until any of them regained awareness of their surroundings, Meredith's head laid on Derek's slick chest. His flaccid penis still stood nestled inside of her, neither wanting to break such intimate connection.

"I...I love you so much," she smiled, still panting slightly.

"I think...I think I'm still out of it," he chuckled.

"Don't leave me again, Derek."

He sobered up. Did she think he was going to up and leave her again? Was she feeling insecure about them? Fear gripped him, ice cold blood pumped through his veins. He couldn't imagine leaving this love, leaving Meredith. No. "I won't, Mer. I can't imagine not having what we shared, not having this warmth, this love. I can't imagine not having you," he whispered, showering her neck with slow kisses, his right hand running over her sweaty back. He was where he belonged, and he couldn't shake off the feeling that she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Love. Love happened.


	17. A Bitter Taste

**Hey guys. Hope everyone's doing great today. :-)**

**I had a rough day so I think that is reflected on the update so sorry about that. It's not all bright and shiny but nothing too worrisome. Derek's insecurities are coming up to the surface, and he still can't quite understand Meredith wants to be with him. I'm starting to think people shouldn't really give me any room to ramble, lol. Anyhow, thank you so much for reviewing, no matter how few reviews I get, any words encourage me to write more for you guys. Please, if you're reading and enjoying, leave some leave. It means the world to me and it seriously brightens up my day amidst all this stress! :-)**

**I love you guys and please enjoy!**

* * *

They were on cloud nine. Derek never figured he would ever even reach something remotely close to happiness, let alone full bliss. Truthfully, he had his life all laid out: lead an unhappy but effective life, bang some girls here and then and when he got closer to his forties, he'd go on the market and find a nice woman to settle down with, but never fulling committing himself to her, at least not wholeheartedly. Plans...he had it all figured out. His mother would probably chase him down with a sauce pan had she known about them, but at that point in his life, Derek didn't give a crap. He was too lost to even do anything but breathe in and out. Plans...

Plans were good. Plans admittedly make sure you don't get thrown in for a loop when you least expect it. Plans don't shake the ground you stand on. Plans don't make you scratch what you've written and start all over again. Yes, Derek always thought plans were amazing, even back when he was a child and he carried a small black book where he wrote down every single aspect of what that particular day would entail. We all need routines, he'd say. All these great theories and plans, though, lost strength when his father died. That minute, the ground he was stepping on was shakier than ever, ready to swallow him whole. And in that moment, Derek cursed the existence of things that would disrupt his plans.

Right now, though, as he looked down at the beautiful and delicate hand locked tightly in his strong one, he thanked God something disrupted his plans...something in the shape of someone like Meredith. That blonde beautiful girl who pulled him out of his reverie and shook his world in the most marvellous way, entering his life swiftly but surely. During the little time they'd had together, she had changed the way he saw the world, brought him the utmost joy and he couldn't imagine not having his small hand tucked in his. They were strolling down the street back from her favorite Gelato parlor, making sure they had avoided Marybeth and the servants' attention and she was smiling softly, stopping and staring at him at times, almost as if in total awe. Truth be told, he was in awe, too. He couldn't get over how beautiful she was, or how they were walking through the streets of Las Flores after what happened. He was just too thankful for words.

"You're staring at me," she smiled softly.

"Huh?", he breathed, her voice shaking him out of his thoughts.

"You were staring at me and smiling like a fool," she giggled.

"Oh I'll show you smiling like a fool!", he laughed, tickling her sides.

"Derek! Derek! No, stop it!", she laughed loudly, squirming away from him.

His hands stilled and he smiled softly at her, cupping her cheek. "You've got something here," he breathed, inching closer to her mouth and licking the little trace of strawberry ice cream from the corner of her lips.

"Oh," she gasped.

"And maybe something here, too", he smiled, turning to kiss her full on the lips, his hands sneaking around her waist. The kiss was short lived, though, as both knew they couldn't risk being caught by anyone in this small town. Word got around like wildfire.

"You're so bad," she giggled.

"Oh, like you don't love it," he laughed.

"Maybe I do," she smiled broadly, her hand finding his again.

"You're mine tonight, I want to do anything and everything I can think of to you," he smirked.

Meredith's cheeks were tainted with red but just as she was about to shriek in her reply, she heard an all familiar voice breathing right behind her.

"Meredith..."

Derek and Meredith whipped their heads around, their hands falling from each other's grasp as fast as possible. They looked on with their best deer caught in headlights look, fearing whatever backlash could come for them.

"F...Finn," Meredith stammered, as Derek's eyes went stone cold. He was positively seething inside, but was managing to hold the fireball in. Barely.

"I didn't know where you were hiding. I kept calling you for the past few days but no answer," Finn breathed. "And now I find you here. Is everything alright, Meredith?"

"Y...yeah, everything's great," Meredith said, a little shell shocked and at loss for words.

"And who is this?", Finn asked, pointing to Derek.

"I'm Derek Shepherd, Meredith's...", he trailed off before being interrupted by Meredith.

"Friend! New friend. He just moved into town and I'm, uh, helping him get settled in. You know...show him around and all that," Meredith laughed nervously.

"Yeah, friend...", Derek muttered almost inaudibly, the word 'friend' bringing a bitter taste to his mouth. He wasn't her friend. He wasn't her god damn best friend or neighbor, he was so much more and she knew it. He was angered by all of this.

"Oh... Right," Finn nodded, obviously not entirely convinced. "So you're all good then? You really should've texted me back. I was wondering where you were. I asked Marybeth but all she came up with was a lot of fumbling, some cussing and just not a lot of sense. The Southern accent is still cool, though."

"Yeah...uh, right. I'm good, I've just been crazy busy with, you know, friends and...Cristina! I've been hanging out with Cristina a lot lately. Her boyfriend...you know...boy issues. Yeah," she stammered. Damn it, she was being far too obvious.

"Right... Well, since you're here and you can't not text me back," Finn laughed. "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight? If you aren't too busy or have any other plans, that is."

Derek saw red. Literally. He wanted to bring his hands to his neck and snap his spine in half, cut off his circulation. How dare he ask his girlfriend out? Granted, no titles had been discussed between them and although he was far too rusty on the relationship front, he still knew they were in no way mere friends. They made love, they kissed, they had passion...they were in love. Love. Not friendship. Love. A relationship. He felt like an outcast, like this conversation was happening while he was on the outside looking in. Disgusted. The bile kept rising, the nausea at knowing they had kissed and done god knows what else was overpowering.

"Actually...I have plans tonight, Finn. I, uh, am walking Derek back home and then me and Cristina are...we're...going to the movies. So...tomorrow? Or the next day? I...I'll text you, yeah," Meredith breathed.

"Oh, okay then. I'll be waiting for that text, then. Better make it a real one this time, though," Finn chuckled. "Can't be waiting around forever, now can I?"

"No, I suppose not," Meredith laughed quietly, nervousness creeping in her voice. Guilt was shining in her green orbs.

"I'll see you around, Meredith," Finn smiled, leaning in to kiss the corner of her mouth before turning and walking the other way. Derek was sure his veins would pop out any minute now, the bitterness was spreading all over his mouth from biting his tongue. This was ridiculous. He started moving back to the car in a frenetic pace, wanting to get away from her. He heard her call his name and trying to keep up with him, but he was too mad to care.

"Derek! Where are you going? Hey!," she yelled, catching his hand. "Stop!"

"Will you keep your voice down?", he hissed, turning around and letting go of her hand harshly. "People are watching. Stop making a scene."

"Wha...Derek, what are you doing?", she asked, puzzled.

"Just get in the car," he snapped, opening the door to the drivers' seat and waiting for her to get in.

She got in the passenger seat of his Porsche Cayenne and waited for him to say anything. She noticed how tight his grip on the steering wheel was, how his knuckles were this scary white shade and how his lips were set in a thin, harsh line, much like the day she first laid eyes on him.

"Okay, seriously. What the hell is your problem?", she snapped, turning to look at him.

Derek chuckled bitterly. Yes, bitter. He was beyond bitter, if he was being truly honest. He was enraged, mostly over the fact she didn't recognize what she had done wrong. She was acting clueless, and that angered him even more. "My problem? Oh, my problem... What could it be, Meredith? Maybe the fact my girlfriend was too fucking embarrassed to admit I'm her boyfriend, or maybe because she was gladly flirting with that asshole right in front of my face...but no, Meredith. I have no fucking problem. None whatsoever."

"You...you're an ass, you know that, right?", she gasped. "I'm not...embarrassed! Do you want him to know? Do you want Marybeth to know? Do you want anyone to know about us, Derek?! Do you?"

"I don't fucking care, Meredith. I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who can't admit that, who can't admit her feelings for me when push comes to shove. Guess what? I'm not your fucking friend, Meredith. I'm your boyfriend. We're...clearly we're on different levels here...the playing field is just...uneven," he sighed as he turned to park on his driveway. He was so close to saying things he would regret later, so he just moved to turn the car off and take the keys off the ignition.

"Derek, Derek...just, stop it. Stop. He can't know. You know that. You know I had no choice...we had no choice ," she sighed, hopefully reasoning with him.

"There's always a choice, Meredith," he spat before moving out of the car and slamming the door with slick force. He made his way to his door and opened it, stopping when he realized she was frozen in place. "Are you coming in or staying there?", he spat nastily, walking in and waiting for her to follow him. He heard her angry footsteps reach his door and knew she was about to yell at him but before she got a chance to open her mouth, he was pulling her to him and pressing his lips to hers harshly and forcefully. He parted her lips with his tongue, all in a crazy dash as he kicked his door close but never letting go of her. He was holding on tightly to her, his hands pressing on her waist as they kissed passionately.

"You're not fucking going anywhere with him, you hear me?", he hissed before sucking on her neck. "You're mine, Meredith."

"Y...yes," she gasped.

He kept backing her up until they reached his bedroom, still kissing frantically and their hands roaming both their bodies. Her legs reached the edge of the bed and they fell backwards, panting and already sweaty from the anticipation.

"I'm going to fuck you so hard, Meredith, like only I know how."

She laid panting as his hands reached his belt buckle, working on it before unzipping his jeans and letting them fall to the floor along with his boxers. She apparently got the hint seeing as she was already working on removing her light summer dress and standing before him only in her matching panties and bra. He noticed how her panties were already damp, signaling her impending arousal for him. He saw her reach forward and stroking his cock slowly, her hand moving up and down as the other one tentively moved to cup his balls. The swollen mounds were aching for release and she moved forward to let his cock enter her mouth fully, but he stopped her before she could start sucking on it vigorously.

"No, we don't have time for this. I'm gonna fuck you hard, Meredith. There's no time for playing around."

He reached down and removed her panties, ordering her to unclasp her bra, letting her breasts hang beautiful and free. He let his tongue run over her slit slowly, hearing her soft moans of pleasure before grabbing a condom and rolling it on his waiting cock. His eyes were darker than Meredith had ever seen, fire was spewing out of his mouth, he was dirty and she wanted him more than ever. He opened her legs and positioned himself in front of her tight, hot opening before pushing himself in hard and fully, not giving her time to breathe.

"Oh my God!", she shouted, pain mixed with pleasure.

"Yeah, Mer, I'm gonna ram your tight little pussy so hard," he hissed as he started moving faster and faster with each thrust, sending her flying.

"Oh...Derek...fuck...I...", she bit her lip, her hands reaching for his shoulder as he held her knees apart.

"Yes...oh fuck yeah...", he moaned, his balls slapping her skin, his thick, veiny cock pumping her tight opening so hard he was sure she was going to have trouble walking tomorrow. He didn't care, though. He needed to fuck her hard, fuck her deep, show her she was his.

"Oh my...oh yeah Derek...", she whimpered. She felt herself close to tears, not because she wasn't enjoying the experience, but because the pain and pleasure were too overwhelming for her. She wanted more and more.

"Fuck Mer! Open wider! I need to go deeper," he hissed, his hands spreading her legs even further apart, his cock sliding deeper and deeper, reaching amazing depths within her.

"Oh my God! Derek! Yes!", she shouted, feeling his cock hit her cervix but she was too gone to protest. This was too good. Her brain was already foggy, her eyes rolled back in her head, her lip trembling.

"Hell, Mer, I'm gonna come...", he moaned.

"Yes, Derek...yes," she gasped, her hands moving to her breasts, cupping the heavy mounds. The bed was squeaking, the headboard hitting the wall with sheer force and the moans echoed through the quiet room.

"Fuck!", he shouted animalistically before spilling his seed into the condom, her climax not far behind.

He rolled off her and laid by her side, both panting and sweating. He started to fall back into reality, a very present worry that he might have hurt her kept lingering in his mind. He didn't mean to hurt her, but the blinding rage and jealousy had gotten the best of him and he needed the release. A few moments passed before he whispered into the darkly lit room.

"Did I hurt you?"

She was shocked to hear his voice. "No, Derek. It was great. Amazing even."

"I'm sorry. I just got so jealous," he sighed, embarrassed.

"There's no need to be jealous, Derek. I'm yours."

Derek couldn't help but let a huge grin overtake his features. She was his. She had admitted to that, and he couldn't be happier. She was officially his, and no one would take her away from him. He just had to push his lingering insecurities into the back of his mind and enjoy the moments with Meredith.

"I love you so much, Mer," he sighed softly, pulling her to him and cuddling her close.

"I love you too," she whispered, kissing his sweaty chest. "I'm yours."


	18. More Than This

**Hi guys! Here I am once more. :-) hope everyone has had a good couple of days! Mine have been CRAZY busy, and they'll become increasingly busy as time progresses so the time I have reserved for writing (and for myself, too) is SO little, so I'm sorry! I am so stressed so believe me when I say I wish I could write all day, heehee. **

**Anyhow, I'm not entirely pleased with this update but in my mind, it's necessary. Bigger things will happen soon, including a boiling point which I believe they have to reach in order to move forward in a way.**

**If you could continue to drop some feedback, I would appreciate it ever so much seeing as your words really encourage me to keep on writing and moving forward with this story! Thank you for everything and I love you guys! Hope you enjoy! :-)**

**P.S. - Less than ONE HOUR until the Grey's Anatomy season 9 premiere! SO excited! If you guys could leave your comments regarding the season premiere on the review box, I would LOVE to read them and discuss the premiere on my next update! xox**

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There had been nights when Derek had laid awake in his king size bed, staring at the crisp white ceiling while his mind rolled back and forth playing the same thought. He had been uncharacteristically naive when he hadn't realized dating Meredith would come with such heavy logistics or a hefty price to pay. His love for her was never to be proclaimed beyond closed doors, nor should her servants ever come to know about its existence. It was almost like it didn't exist, like it was a cruel fragment of his imagination. He figured he wasn't sure what was worse: having her but not being able to let the world know she was his, or not having her at all. The incessant questions came rolling in one after the other. Should he let this go? Was he putting his ass on the line for something that may not last, something they can't go public with?

However, those thoughts vanished almost as soon as they entered his mind as a bitter regret came to take their place. He could never regret her, never neglect her or let this go. He was in too deep, there was no way he could back out of their relationship. Girlfriend. It didn't even seem real; it didn't seem as if they were nothing more but mere friends to the outside world. If they only knew what went on behind closed doors, the steamy love making sessions they so passionately endulged in, the stolen kisses or the sweet meshing of their tongues during late night movies. It suited them. But as Derek rolled around in bed, his muscled torso getting caught between the warm white sheets, he couldn't help but want to give her more than this. He wanted to dine her, take her out to the movies, drive them to the beach, enjoy a picnic with her for all eyes to see. He wanted everyone to know just how in love he was, how he finally felt like he found the one. He didn't want to be hiding away.

He eyed the clock on the bedside table, the flashy numbers signaling it was a little past 9 in the morning. He heard the sound of water splashing coming from the adjoined master bathroom and smiled softly to himself, his body reacting immediately to the image of Meredith's body covered in bubbles and warmth, the lavender smell that seemed to be ingrained in her sweeping through the air. He pushed himself out of bed, smiling at her messy side of the bed and made his way to the bathroom in all his naked glory. He slowly pushed the bathroom door open, a soft grin marring his face when he saw her relaxing on the tub, her eyes closed and a soft smile tugging on her lips. He leaned on the doorway, stealing a couple of glances at her wet, slick body covered in white bubbles and he stayed that way for what seemed like an eternity.

"You look beautiful," he smiled.

Her eyes flew open at his raspy yet soft voice, obviously startled by the unannounced visitor. She eyed his naked body in an appreciative way, her eyes falling on a certain part of his anatomy which appeared to be very aroused at that time in the morning.

"And you look like you're in pain," she quipped, smiling at his arousal.

"Blame your beautiful body covered in bubbles," he grinned.

"Yeah, yeah," she rolled her eyes, flexing her index finger signaling for him to get closer. "Why don't you join me?"

He needed no further invitation, closing the door softly and moving to enter the tub, positioning Meredith just so she was cuddled close to him. He stood behind her, his nose buried in the crook of her neck as he softly breathed in her scent, the softness of her skin caressing him. He let out a soft sigh and allowed himself to not care about anything, to be okay with their secret relationship for the time being, mainly because he couldn't imagine not having her in his arms at the end of every single day.

"That day...when you said those things...I don't think I've ever felt more hurt," Meredith sighed. "Not even when my mom ditched me on my birthday."

Derek was taken aback by her soft confession, taking him by surprise and adding to his already lingering guilt. He couldn't shake it off.

"Mer..."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you or make you feel guilty. I'm just saying...I'm comfortable with you, and I want our relationship to be based on honesty and sincerity, and nothing is ever simply roses and rainbows," Meredith breathed.

"I know, but it kills me to think I ever caused you any pain."

"My mom ditched me on my birthday, Derek. She promised she'd be there on my 16th, she even said she'd take me out to dinner but just as I was getting ready to go out, all giddy and excited, I get a phone call from one of the nurses saying she was stuck in a long procedure and that she wouldn't be able to make it," Meredith sighed sadly. "I spent my sweet 16th alone and I thought nothing would ever hurt me more, but I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong, though."

"Why?", he whispered.

"It means I truly love you. It means there's something to lose. Such sharp pain hit me because I didn't want to lose you, I didn't want to think you didn't love me. Somehow, you not loving me was absolutely unbearable to me, even more so than my own mother ditching me time and time again in favor of surgery."

"I...I love you. I love you so damn much," Derek whispered, his voice coming out slightly choked as he showered her neck with sweet kisses.

"I love you too," she smiled.

"My dad died when I was young. He, um, was shot for his watch. My mom saved up for it, a beautiful silver watch he carried so dearly. I'm sure it wasn't about the monetary value of it but because my mother actually spent a while saving up for it. My dad appreciated that gesture so much and he held on to that watch for dear life, but I...I wish he had just let the damn thing go," Derek choked out.

"Derek... You don't have to..."

"No, Mer. I want to. You deserve to know. My mom and dad...they were so in love, Mer. It was sickening to some people. I was young but I still remember just how sweet things were between them. Sometimes they yelled at each other, mostly because of both their bad tempers, which, by the way, I definitely take after them on that," he chuckled softly. "But they loved each other more than anything, and they strived to let us know what we should look out for in a marriage: love, trust, commitment and respect. They showed us that. And I... I think I found what my dad saw in my mom, Mer."

"I...what?"

"I really love you Mer. I love you and it's killing me to keep this a secret. I'm terrified I'm going to end up like my parents. What if something happens to me? No one will ever know what went on between us, nobody will ever know how we felt. I...I know we are the only people who matter, but I want to give you more than this, Mer," he whispered softly, so softly that she almost missed it.

"W...what do you mean?"

"I want people to know about this. I want to hold your hand in public, kiss you wherever I please, be able to tell the world you're mine without thinking about any consequences."

"But Derek, you've got to be rational... I... There's too much at stake here. We're..."

"No, Mer. I'm going crazy. I can't stand on the street with you and have that...man...come by and not being able to tell him you're taken, that you're my girlfriend," Derek hissed.

"Is this about Finn?"

"This isn't about anyone but ourselves, Meredith. I want everyone to know I'm madly, deeply, passionately in love with you. I don't want to think about who I can or can't say that to. Please, just...think about it."

Meredith stood cuddled in his strong arms, her head laying on his shoulder. She could feel his tense posture, the tone of the conversation had gotten to him. She could sense the desperation in his voice, the urgency in his tone and she too wanted them to become more than secret lovers, more than just a cheap tryst no one could know about. They deserved more than that...he deserved more. She slowly turned around, watching as his perfect blue eyes were tinged with a certain sadness. It killed her to see him like this. She smiled softly at him and then slowly pressed her lips to his, her tongue parting his lips gently and then thrusting inside his mouth, mating with his.

"I love you, Mer," he gasped.

"I love you, too," she whispered before taking his lips with her own again.

His hands roamed her back, caressing the wet skin as their tongues danced playfully but gently.

"I want you, Mer..."

"Shhh, let me take care of you," she coaxed, her legs spreading apart as she centered herself over his throbbing erection. "I've never done this here."

"I'll help you," he gasped, his mind already foggy. His hands moved around her waist, cupping her ass cheeks as he lifted her and lowered her on his erection, kissing her neck as she bucked forward. "That's it, Mer..."

"Oh, Derek...", she moaned just as she started rocking up and down, slowly but surely. She could hear the water swooshing around them, some of it spilling out of the tub with their increasingly fast movements. "Yeah..."

"Fuck, Mer," he gasped, pushing her down on his erection forcefully while he took a pert nipple into his mouth, sucking gently. His hands stood tightly around her ass, cupping it.

"Harder, Derek!", Meredith shouted for Derek to comply, pushing her down even harder and pounding into her, the sound of their colliding bodies echoing in the bathroom. The mirror was clouded with steam, both their eyes rolled back in their heads. They were so close.

"Yes, Mer...yeah...", he gasped, his entire body red and anxious for that release. He felt his penis twitch inside of her just as he reached his index finger between them and gently nudged her clit, rubbing it so that she could reach her climax faster.

"Yes, Derek! Don't stop!", she shouted, biting her lip forcefully until she almost tasted blood. She felt herself come all around Derek and his release followed shortly after, the mikly aftermath filling her.

"Oh, Mer..."

She leaned down to capture his lips, her tongue dancing with his just as her mind went back to his words, to his requests. She knew they couldn't stop living in secret, but taking the jump was more than frightening. She was risking the wrath of the people who raised her, the judgmental character of the whole town, Finn's own feelings. There was so much at stake. Was it worth it? Was it worth it putting everything on the line for Derek? They still hadn't discussed how things would unfold once the Summer came to an end and Derek had to fly back to New York. There was so much to think about, so much to consider and yet, as she stood nestled in his arms, their lips fused together, nothing seemed to matter.

She had made her decision. Would it be the right one?


End file.
